Couples Therapy for Mismatched Sexual Desire & Desire Discrepancy ● AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist ● Practicing Therapy Since 1988
Sex Therapy for New York Couples with Sexual Desire Discrepancy
Online Sex Therapy for Couples Throughout New York
Sex Therapy for desire Differences in Your Relationship
You love your partner and want to stay together. But your differences in sexual desire have become serious enough that you’re questioning whether you can both be happy in this relationship long term.
One of you wants sex more often and misses having a sexual relationship that feels exciting and fulfilling. The other wants to enjoy sexual intimacy, too, but doesn’t experience the same level of interest and is frustrated that the difference has become so difficult to resolve.
You’ve tried finding a middle ground. Perhaps you agreed to have sex more often, only to discover that keeping the agreement felt difficult or uncomfortable. Or you decided to stop focusing on frequency, hoping that taking the pressure off would help you feel closer. Neither approach has brought lasting satisfaction.
The question of compromise has become particularly difficult. The partner who wants more sex worries that accepting less intimacy means giving up something important. The partner who wants less sex worries that meeting in the middle will mean regularly having sex they don’t genuinely want.
You’ve started having conversations that feel bigger than the question of how often you have sex. Is sexual compatibility something couples can develop together? What happens if your desires remain different? Can you build a future where neither person feels they’ve sacrificed an important part of themselves?
You may still enjoy spending time together, sharing responsibilities, and making plans for the future. But when you imagine another five or ten years with the same sexual differences, you’re no longer sure what that future would look like.
Neither of you wants to make a decision about your relationship based solely on how often you have sex. At the same time, you don’t want to keep postponing a problem that affects how satisfied you both feel as partners.
You want to understand whether you can build a sexual relationship that genuinely satisfies both of you, find out what changes are possible, and feel confident about the future you’re choosing together.
Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW | AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist & Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist
I’ve helped couples with sexual desire discrepancy for more than fifteen years.
I’ve been a therapist since 1988, and I’m both an AASECT-certified sex therapist and a Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist. I help couples throughout New York understand their differences in sexual desire and develop a sexual relationship that both partners can feel good about.
During our sessions, I’ll assess when your desires began to differ, how each of you experiences sexual interest and pleasure, and what has changed over the course of your relationship. I’ll also examine physical health, medications, stress, sexual dissatisfaction, and relationship concerns. Some of these factors can be addressed through sex therapy, while others may call for medical care or changes in your circumstances. Understanding which factors are involved helps us determine where improvement is possible.
I’ll help you understand what sexual fulfillment means to each of you. For one partner, it may include having sex more often and feeling sexually desired. For the other, it may depend on experiencing greater pleasure or finding ways to become more interested in intimacy. I’ll assess what contributes to those differences so we can identify opportunities for a sexual relationship that satisfies both partners, even if your levels of desire remain different.
When previous compromises haven’t worked, I’ll help you understand why. An agreement to have sex more often, for example, won’t resolve difficulties with arousal, physical discomfort, or sexual dissatisfaction. I’ll use what we discover during the assessment to address the issues that have made those agreements unsuccessful, rather than encouraging you to keep negotiating sexual frequency without improving the experience itself.
I’ll also use my couples therapy training to help you address disagreements about your sexual needs and expectations for the future. We’ll examine where your priorities differ, what each partner needs to feel satisfied, and which concerns have remained unresolved. I’ll guide these conversations so you can consider your options together without either partner feeling pressured to agree to something they don’t want.
As therapy progresses, I’ll help you evaluate whether the changes we’re making are improving sexual satisfaction for both of you. You’ll gain a clearer understanding of what each of you needs, which improvements are achievable, and how to continue developing a sexual relationship that supports the future you want together.
How your relationship changes after sex therapy with me
You can build a satisfying sexual relationship together, even if your levels of desire never become identical. Here’s what that can look like.
You Can Have a Sexual Relationship That Fulfills Both of You
You share sexual experiences that give both partners genuine pleasure and satisfaction.
The partner who wants more sex enjoys opportunities for sexual connection that feel fulfilling. The partner who wants less sex experiences intimacy that is pleasurable and welcome, with room for their own interests and desires.
Both of you have something to look forward to sexually, and you feel good about the relationship you’re creating together.
You Can Feel That Both Partners’ Sexual Needs Matter
You can talk openly about what you each want from your sexual relationship, knowing that your partner takes those desires seriously.
If having sex more often is important to you, your partner understands why sexual intimacy matters so much. If you need sex to become more enjoyable before you can welcome it more often, your experience receives just as much consideration.
Both of you have a voice in shaping your sexual relationship. You can make choices together that honor your individual needs.
You Can Enjoy Sexual Intimacy Even When Your Desires Differ
You understand that sexual interest doesn’t have to happen at the same time or in the same way for both of you to enjoy intimacy.
You can explore different kinds of sexual experiences together, including those that appeal to you when your levels of interest differ. You’re able to enjoy what feels good to both of you without expecting desire to develop in a particular way.
Your differences in sexual desire don’t prevent you from sharing satisfying sexual experiences that reflect both partners’ comfort and interest.
You Can Feel More Confident About Building a Future Together
You can look ahead five, ten, or twenty years and feel excited about the sexual relationship you’ll continue developing together.
You have a shared understanding of what sexual fulfillment means to each of you, along with experiences that show you can enjoy intimacy in ways that satisfy both partners.
You can make decisions about your future knowing that your sexual needs have a meaningful place in the relationship you’re choosing to build.
Learn more about how I treat couples with sexual desire discrepancy in sex therapy →
Who is a good fit for sex therapy for Couples with desire discrepancy?
Sex therapy for desire discrepancy works best when both partners attend sessions and both want sex together to be more satisfying.
You don’t have to agree on what caused the desire gap or feel equally motivated to close it. You only need to be willing to try.
I also work with couples where one or both partners are autistic and/or have ADHD, and LGBTQIA+ and polyamorous or open-relationship couples and individuals, since standard sex therapy frameworks were built on neurotypical, heterosexual, monogamous, cisgendered assumptions that don’t fit every relationship.
If there’s ongoing domestic violence in your relationship, sex therapy isn’t the right starting place; individual therapy is safer.
A certified sex therapist and couples therapist with more than 15 years treating differences in sexual desire
I’m Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW
I’ve been a therapist since 1988, and for more than 15 years, I’ve helped couples whose differences in sexual desire have become a source of frustration, hurt, or uncertainty about their relationship.
As both an AASECT-certified sex therapist and a Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist, I bring two areas of specialized training to your treatment. I can assess how sexual desire, arousal, physical health, sexual satisfaction, and relationship difficulties influence one another, including concerns that aren’t immediately obvious to either partner.
Couples can spend years trying to improve their sexual relationship without understanding why their desires differ. I’ll help you identify what’s contributing to the problem and address those issues so you can build a sexual relationship that feels satisfying to both of you.
If the description on this page sounded like your relationship, I’d like to help.
Logistics
Pricing, scheduling, and online sex therapy sessions
All sessions are conducted by secure, HIPAA-compliant video. I work with couples across New York State.
Sessions are private pay, billed at $500 per hour and $750 for 90-minute sessions. Extended sessions (3+ hours) are available for couples who want to make faster progress.
I am not in-network with insurance and cannot bill them directly. For more information about pricing, please see the pricing page.
How to schedule your first sex therapy session
To schedule your first appointment, please choose a day and time on my secure, HIPAA-compliant calendar using the button below.
After I approve your request, typically within one business day, you and your partner will receive new client forms via email, which you’ll both review and digitally sign before we meet.
Areas Served in New York
I’m independently licensed in New York as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW #086198), and I work with clients via secure, HIPAA-compliant video across the state.
This includes:
New York City, including Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens, the Bronx, and Staten Island
Long Island, including Nassau and Suffolk counties, Hempstead, Babylon, Huntington, Islip, Levittown, Brentwood, Smithtown, Freeport, Glen Cove, Long Beach, Riverhead, Patchogue, Massapequa, Valley Stream, and the Hamptons
Westchester County and the Hudson Valley, including Yonkers, White Plains, New Rochelle, Poughkeepsie, Newburgh, Kingston, Nyack, Mount Vernon, Peekskill, Beacon, and Middletown
The Capital Region, including Albany, Schenectady, Troy, Saratoga Springs, and Glens Falls
Central and Western New York, including Syracuse, Rochester, Buffalo, Niagara Falls, Utica, Rome, Auburn, Geneva, Canandaigua, Batavia, and Jamestown
The Southern Tier, including Binghamton, Ithaca, Elmira, Corning, and Oneonta
The North Country, including Plattsburgh, Watertown, Massena, and Ogdensburg
If you’re anywhere in New York, I can work with you online.
Questions About Sex Therapy for New York Couples with Desire Discrepancy
Frequently asked questions —
-
Yes. New York requires that you’re both physically located in the state each time we meet by video.
I am also licensed to practice in Oregon, Washington, Massachusetts, and Florida.
-
You can begin sex therapy without knowing the answer to that question.
I’ll help you understand which aspects of your sexual relationship are open to change, what each of you needs to feel satisfied, and what difficulties may require additional attention.
I won’t make the decision about your relationship for you or encourage either partner to accept sexual experiences they don’t want. My role is to help you address the concerns we identify and make informed decisions about your future together.
-
Yes. Some couples I see haven’t had sex in months or years. Others still have sex, but one partner feels the frequency is far too low. Both kinds of couples are a good fit for sex therapy.
Still have Questions about sex therapy for desire discrepancy?
Please contact me using the button below. I will respond within 2 business days.