Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist · AASECT Certified Sex Therapist ·
Practicing Therapy Since 1988
Couples Therapy After Infidelity
For couples after infidelity, betrayal, and affairs
Online in OR, WA, NY, MA, & FL via secure telehealth
If you’re the partner who was betrayed…
There’s a date you’ll never forget: the day you found the messages, or the pictures, or the credit card charge.
Since that day you’ve been living two versions of your life: the one people see, where you go to work, make dinner, and answer “how are you” the normal way, and the one where you cry in the car in the parking lot, and then fix your face before you walk inside.
You’ve read the text messages between your partner and their affair partner so many times you could recite them verbatim. You’ve built the timeline, matching the work trip against the credit card statement.
You check their location at red lights, you look through their phone while they’re in the shower, and you hate that you’ve become a person who does that.
You ask a million questions because you can’t tell what’s true: whether it’s over, whether there’s more you haven’t found out about, and whether you’re being lied to again right now. Until you know, every vague answer sends your imagination somewhere worse than the truth.
You may have even found the affair partner’s photos and compared yourself: your face, your body, your age, what they have that you don’t. Underneath the comparing is a question you’d never say out loud: what was wrong with me?
The effects of the betrayal are showing up in your body, too. You wake up in the middle of the night with your heart pounding. You clench your jaw and your muscles are tight. You’re barely eating and your stomach is constantly in knots.
The betrayal moves backward through your memory: the anniversary trip, the ordinary weeknight dinners, the night they said they were working late. You re-examine all of it now, checking which parts were real.
And a bigger question nags at you: how did I miss this?
If your read on the person you thought you knew best could be this wrong, you start doubting your own judgment and sense of reality.
If you’re the unfaithful partner…
You check your partner’s face when you walk in the door, every day, to see if this will be a good evening or a bad one.
You’ve apologized so many times the word has stopped meaning anything, and you’ve learned that “It won’t happen again” and “I love you” make things worse instead of better. You mean them, which makes it more frustrating every time they backfire.
Every question your partner asks is a test you feel like you’re failing: answer fully, and the details wound your partner for days. Answer carefully, and the caution reads to them as more lying.
Some nights you feel a flash of anger at the fifth round of the same questions, and then you’re ashamed of the anger, because what right do you have.
There’s no one to talk to about any of it. Your partner is the person you’d normally bring pain to, but if you say anything about how hard this is for you, your partner is outraged: you did this to me, and now you want my sympathy?
Part of you thinks they’re right, so you say nothing. You’re going through the worst weeks of your life alone in a full house.
So, you go to the office, show up at family dinners, and take your children to their sports games. Meanwhile, no one knows that you’re sleeping in the guest room.
Your partner is going to ask why the affair happened, and one answer won’t be enough. The question will come back for months, and you need to be able to answer it well each time.
Maybe you know why: you’d been unhappy or lonely in the relationship for years, and either you said so and nothing changed, or you never found a way to say it at all.
Or maybe the affair makes no sense even to you. You saw the problems in your relationship as ordinary, the kind every couple deals with, and you never thought of yourself as someone who could be unfaithful.
Right now you’re facing the question alone, along with the guilt and the dread of the next conversation.
Why recovering from infidelity on your own isn’t working
When something terrible happens, most people get through it by leaning on their partner.
But if you’re the betrayed partner, your partner is the person who caused the pain. And if you’re the unfaithful partner, chances are, your partner doesn’t want to hear how difficult this is for you.
For both of you, the person you’d normally turn to is the one person you can’t turn to right now. And yet, you still live together, eat dinner together, and sleep in the same bed, or at least the same house.
That’s why the weeks keep passing without you feeling any better: the usual way people recover from a shock isn’t available to you right now. Part of what therapy with me does is make your partner safe to lean on again.
When you try to talk about the pain of the affair, the conversations go the same way every time: a question comes out as an accusation, and an accusation produces a defensive answer. Defensiveness looks like hiding something, so the next question comes back angrier. The cycle repeats until one or both of you are in tears, or someone leaves the room.
Months of those conversations may have convinced you that the two of you can’t recover from betrayal. But the difficulty may not be the questions themselves. It may be that neither of you knows how to have these conversations without one partner feeling interrogated and the other feeling that their questions aren’t being answered.
The questions are often asked without warning, so the person answering feels ambushed and starts defending themselves before they’ve thought anything through. There are no rules about what gets asked, how much gets answered, or when it stops for the night. And there’s no one to slow things down when the conversation starts to spiral.
In session with me, each of those problems is handled:
The conversation is scheduled, so no one is ambushed.
The questions get asked one at a time, under ground rules we set in advance.
The questions are answered completely while I keep the pace and stop the spiral before it starts.
Some questions will need to be asked several times, and that is a normal part of recovering from an affair, especially if the truth came out a little at a time.
Trust rebuilds through honest behavior repeated over months, and answering the same hard question patiently, every time your partner needs to ask, is one of the first honest behaviors you can repeat.
How Couples Therapy Can Change Your Relationship After Infidelity
01
Trust replaces suspicion over time
The questions about the affair get asked in session, in a structured way, and answered completely. Instead of one of you feeling like a prosecutor trying to uncover the truth and the other feeling like a defendant on the stand trying to defend themselves, I’ll guide the conversation so questions can be asked directly and answered honestly, without escalating into another argument.
Some questions will need to be asked more than once. But those conversations can become less adversarial as the betrayed partner gets the information they need and the unfaithful partner learns to answer without defensiveness.
Transparency stops being something one of you demands and the other resents. Your partner starts volunteering information before you have to ask where they are, who they’re with, or why they’re late.
Over time, you may feel less need to check their phone because they’ve stopped hiding what’s on it, and because your questions have received honest, consistent answers. Some of those answers hurt to hear. But knowing what happened allows you to make sense of your experience instead of repeatedly searching your memories for evidence of something else you might have missed.
Trust begins to return when your partner’s answers remain consistent and their actions repeatedly match their words. You can begin relying on what they tell you without feeling that you have to independently verify everything.
02
You both have an equal say in decision-making
After discovering the affair, the balance between you may change. The betrayed partner has questions that need answers and may feel entitled to make decisions about the relationship that they previously made together. The unfaithful partner may feel they’ve lost the right to disagree, especially when their partner reminds them of the betrayal.
Some of this imbalance reflects a necessary difference in responsibility. The partner who had the affair needs to answer questions honestly, volunteer information rather than waiting to be asked, and understand that trust must be earned again. But accountability for the affair doesn’t mean giving up a voice in every decision about your finances, children, or future together.
In therapy, I’ll help you distinguish between the unfaithful partner’s responsibility for repairing the betrayal and the decisions that still require both of your perspectives. If a disagreement about money or parenting turns into an argument about the affair, we’ll address the concern about trust without losing sight of the decision you need to make.
We’ll also look at how decisions were made before the affair. Perhaps one of you tended to make major decisions alone, or the other avoided expressing disagreement because they were afraid of starting an argument. I’ll help you recognize those difficulties and practice discussing differences more openly.
You can build a relationship in which both of you have a meaningful voice in decisions that affect your shared life, while the partner who had the affair continues taking responsibility for rebuilding trust.
03
You can recognize and address problems before they create lasting distance between you
As you work through the affair, we’ll also examine what was happening in your relationship before it began. Perhaps you had grown apart, stopped talking about problems that kept coming up, or avoided conversations about needs that weren’t being met. One of you may have felt lonely or resentful without knowing how to bring it up, while the other had no idea how unhappy their partner had become.
Understanding those problems isn’t the same as explaining away the affair. The partner who had the affair is responsible for that decision. Whatever difficulties existed in your relationship, there were other ways to address them. We’ll examine those difficulties without shirking responsibility for the betrayal.
In therapy, I’ll help you recognize how distance develops between you. Maybe one of you avoids difficult conversations because you’re afraid of hurting your partner or starting an argument. Maybe the other doesn’t realize something is wrong because disagreements rarely happen. What looks like a peaceful relationship on the surface may leave important concerns unspoken.
You’ll practice bringing up dissatisfaction, asking questions about what your partner needs, and discussing problems before months or years pass without addressing them. I’ll help you listen to concerns without immediately becoming defensive or treating a difference of opinion as a threat to the relationship.
You can build a relationship where difficult feelings and unmet needs are discussed openly, rather than allowing distance and resentment to grow without either of you understanding what’s happening.
04
Disagreements are productive instead of devolving into accusations about the infidelity
Most talk at home right now is probably about logistics: who’s picking up the kids, what’s for dinner, whether the bill got paid. Anything deeper feels risky, because neither of you knows which topics will lead back to the affair. A coworker’s name, a mention of next month’s work trip, a television series where someone cheats: any of these can end the evening, so you’ve both learned to say less and less.
In therapy, I’ll help you understand why those conversations escalate and what each of you can do differently. We’ll address the questions about infidelity in a structured setting, where I can help the betrayed partner explain their concerns and the unfaithful partner respond without becoming defensive. You’ll also learn how to have those conversations at home without repeating the arguments you’ve been having.
As those conversations become easier to manage, the two of you can get back to talking about your days, your kids, your jobs, and your plans, including during the weeks when you’re still angry at each other. Some of these conversations may be ones you weren’t having even before the affair.
When an argument about money or the kids brings up concerns about the betrayal, you’ll be better able to recognize what’s happening. Instead of dismissing those concerns or allowing the disagreement to turn into another fight about the affair, you can address what’s troubling you and return to the decision you were trying to make.
And when a disagreement starts getting loud or mean, either one of you can learn to recognize the warning signs, take a break when needed, and return to the conversation when you’re both ready to listen. You can disagree, express concerns, and work toward decisions together without spending the rest of the evening arguing or avoiding each other.
05
You can repair the hurts that existed before the infidelity, including those experienced by the unfaithful partner
Both of you may have experienced hurt or dissatisfaction in your relationship long before the infidelity. If you’re the unfaithful partner, you may feel tremendous shame about your decision to have an affair while also feeling angry about how your partner treated you. And you may worry that whenever you describe something hurtful they did, the conversation will return to your infidelity, and your complaints will never receive serious attention.
In therapy, I’ll help you express how your partner’s behavior hurt you, including things you may have struggled to communicate before the affair. I’ll help you explain what happened and how it affected you without suggesting that your partner was responsible for your decision to be unfaithful.
This makes it easier for your partner to hear what you’re saying without feeling blamed for the affair. They can begin to understand the impact of their behavior, take responsibility where they’ve hurt you, and offer meaningful apologies, even when you remember parts of your relationship differently.
You can receive genuine understanding and apologies for the pain you experienced, even though you were the partner who had the affair. You’ll also learn how to express dissatisfaction and painful feelings directly, rather than withdrawing, avoiding difficult conversations, or keeping your unhappiness secret.
06
You can have difficult conversations on your own, with honesty, humor, and affection
In the beginning, some of your hardest conversations may only feel manageable in session, with me guiding you through them. You may be afraid to bring up the affair, money, sex, or problems with family members at home because you don’t know whether the conversation will turn into another argument.
In therapy, I’ll help you practice having those conversations differently. You’ll learn to tell your partner when something is bothering you, listen when they bring up something difficult, and recognize when either of you is becoming defensive. As you become more comfortable using those skills, you can begin having conversations at home that previously required my help.
You’ll also learn to talk about concerns that might have gone unspoken before the affair. Maybe one of you was worried about money but didn’t say anything, while the other felt lonely or unwanted and didn’t know how to explain it. Instead of managing those feelings separately and drawing your own conclusions about what your partner was thinking, you’ll practice sharing them and asking each other questions.
Over time, you’ll begin noticing changes in your everyday interactions. You may be able to disagree without spending the rest of the evening upset. A joke during a difficult conversation might make both of you laugh instead of making the disagreement worse. Affection can become easier to express, even when you haven’t resolved everything.
The goal is for you to become comfortable addressing problems together without needing me to guide every conversation. As you build that confidence, we can meet less frequently, until you’re ready to continue the work on your own.
How Gottman Method affair recovery works, step by step
How I help Couples Recover After Infidelity, betrayal, and Affairs
The three-session couples therapy assessment
We start with an assessment that consists of three meetings, each 90 minutes.
In the first meeting, the three of us meet together. Most of the first session follows a specific set of questions about the history of your relationship: how you met, your first impressions of each other, how you decided to commit, the best and hardest times you’ve been through, and how the relationship has changed over the years.
How the two of you tell that story tells me a great deal about the condition of the relationship.
You will talk some about the affair in the first session, because I need to know what happened and where things stand. But the session is structured, and we won’t spend the whole 90 minutes discussing the affair.
During the second meeting, I meet with each of you alone. I’ll ask about your own history, how you see the problems in the relationship, and your goals for couples therapy.
Between the second and third session, each of you fills out a detailed survey about your relationship that takes about an hour or two.
The survey comes from decades of Gottman research, and it scores your relationship across dozens of specific areas, from trust and conflict to sex and shared values.
The third session is the feedback session.
By this point, I have three views of your relationship: the story you told together, what each of you told me alone, and your survey results. I’ll share the general findings with you, while your individual answers stay confidential.
These three views give us a clear path forward.
Couples therapy is always built around the dynamic between the two of you, rather than one person as the problem.
From there, we meet weekly.
Repairing trust after the affair
I take couples through a structured order when repairing from infidelity.
We start with the affair itself. Your questions about what happened get asked in session, and I lead those conversations so that questions are asked in a way that can be answered.
When the betrayed partner asks, “Why did you do this to me?” they’re often trying to understand how someone they trusted could make that choice. I’ll help you explore that question without turning the conversation into another argument. We’ll also address specific questions about when the affair began, what happened, and what the unfaithful partner was thinking and feeling at the time.
Getting real answers is what helps the betrayed partner rebuild trust and a sense of reality. The partner who broke trust learns to answer honestly and completely, without defensiveness.
This is the phase where trust starts to rebuild: the answers stay consistent from week to week, and what your partner does starts to match what your partner says.
Repairing old hurts and resentment
Once we’ve begun repairing the damage caused by the affair, we can address problems that existed in your relationship before the betrayal.
Most couples have relationship wounds that happened long before the infidelity: the move one of you didn’t want, the years one of you did every 2am feeding alone, or the comment your partner’s parent made about your parenting approach that never got defended.
These problems may help us understand what was happening in your relationship, but they don’t excuse the affair. The partner who was unfaithful remains responsible for that decision.
We work through those older hurts one at a time. I’ll help each of you explain what happened from your perspective, why it hurt you, and what you needed from your partner at the time. You’ll also practice listening to each other’s experiences without correcting them or becoming defensive.
That includes the partner who had the affair. If you were unhappy for years before the betrayal, this is where we’ll begin addressing that unhappiness and discussing what needs to change in your relationship. Understanding those earlier problems can help reduce resentment, but it doesn’t change who was responsible for the affair.
We also look at how decisions get made between you, and whether both of you get a real say. Those conversations are the ones that turn into fights at home, so we practice them together. When an argument starts, I’ll stop it and point out the moment it stopped being a conversation and became a fight. Neither of you notices that moment while you’re arguing. In session, I’ll point it out each time, and with practice you’ll start noticing it yourselves. Once you can notice that moment at home, you can stop the fight in its first minute, instead of spending the rest of the night angry in separate rooms.
You’ll know this phase is working because you’ll start to feel different: you laugh at the same things again, one of you can make a joke in the middle of a disagreement and it helps instead of stings, and the small affection comes back, a hand on a shoulder in the kitchen, or an arm across the car.
The topics of money, sex, and the comment about parenting years ago become conversations you can have together.
Rebuilding your sexual relationship
We address your sexual relationship more directly after we’ve worked through the betrayal and the older hurts between you. By then, you’ve had time to ask difficult questions, receive honest answers, and begin rebuilding trust through your partner’s actions.
Some couples stop having sex after discovering the affair. Others continue having sex, even while they’re struggling with anger, uncertainty, or questions about what happened. Neither experience tells us, by itself, how well your relationship is recovering.
Rebuilding your sexual relationship doesn’t necessarily mean returning to the sex you had before the affair. Maybe sex had become rare or routine, one of you wanted more or wanted something different, or neither of you knew how to talk about what wasn’t working. Differences in sexual desire are common in long-term relationships, and I also help couples address mismatched sexual desire when it’s affecting their relationship.
Or perhaps you had a satisfying sexual relationship before the affair, but the betrayal has changed how comfortable you feel being vulnerable with your partner.
As an AASECT-certified sex therapist, I’ll help you talk about sex directly: how each of you wants to be approached, what you enjoy, what makes you hesitant, and what you want more or less of. We’ll also address concerns about desire, sexual comparisons, and whether affection or sexual interest feels sincere after the betrayal.
If you’ve stopped having sex, we’ll discuss what each of you needs to feel comfortable considering sexual intimacy again. If you’ve continued having sex, we’ll explore how it feels for both of you and whether there are concerns you haven’t been able to discuss.
The goal is to build a sexual relationship where both partners can express what they want, what they don’t want, and what they’re uncertain about, without pressure to use sex as proof that trust has been restored.
Practicing the Gottman Method since 2000
I’ve been a therapist since 1988, and I practice Gottman Method couples therapy.
I began studies with the Gottman Institute in 2000 and I’ve been fully certified as a Gottman Method couples therapist and Gottman workshop leader since 2009.
The Gottman Method comes from more than four decades of research on thousands of real couples, including couples recovering from affairs. It is one of the most researched and widely practiced approaches to couples therapy in the world.
Gottman certification is a multi-year process. I completed all three levels of clinical training, then recorded my real therapy sessions and submitted them to the Gottman Institute, where senior clinicians reviewed my work, gave feedback, and confirmed that I practice the method as it was designed.
This structured process is the same one I take my couples through after an affair or infidelity.
Who is a Good Fit for this Service?
I work with every form of infidelity: physical or emotional affairs, a secret online relationship or sexting, hidden pornography use or visits to strip clubs, secretly paying for sex, or a broken agreement in an open or non-monogamous relationship.
Therapy with me is for couples where both people want to repair the relationship.
If there is ongoing domestic violence in your relationship, couples therapy is not an appropriate service. Couples therapy asks both of you to speak honestly in session, and when one partner is being hurt or controlled at home, that honesty can create danger after the session ends. Individual therapy is a safer starting place.
Infidelity therapist & certified Gottman method couples therapist
I’m Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW
I’ve been a licensed therapist since 1988, and affair recovery has been a central part of my couples practice for more than two decades. An affair is a crisis, and most couples who come to me have already spent months trying to resolve it on their own, leaving them feeling even more disconnected.
Infidelity creates a specific communication breakdown that good intentions can’t fix. The betrayed partner needs to talk to process what happened; the unfaithful partner shuts down out of shame or defensiveness. Attempts to resolve the damage caused by the affair without outside intervention reinforce that breakdown rather than interrupt it.
I provide the research-supported structure of repairing your relationship after infidelity.
If the description on this page sounded like your relationship, I’d like to help.
Logistics
Pricing, scheduling, and online Couples Therapy sessions
All sessions are conducted by secure, HIPAA-compliant video. I work with couples after infidelity, betrayal, and affairs in Oregon, Washington, New York, Massachusetts, and Florida.
Sessions are private pay, billed at $500 per hour and $750 for 90-minute sessions. Extended sessions (3+ hours) are available for couples who want to make faster progress.
I am not in-network with insurance and cannot bill them directly. For more information about pricing, please see the pricing page.
How to get started in couples therapy
To schedule your first couples therapy appointment, please choose a day and time on my secure, HIPAA-compliant calendar using the button below.
After I approve your request, typically within one business day, you and your partner will receive new client forms via email, which you’ll both review and digitally sign before we meet.
Questions couples often ask about couples therapy for infidelity
Frequently Asked Questions —
-
Couples therapy can’t repair trust while the affair continues. If the affair hasn’t ended, there are still ways to start. The partner who is having the affair can begin individual therapy with me, or I can refer you to a therapist who specializes in helping couples decide whether to stay together.
If you’re not sure what fits your situation, contact me and I’ll let you know whether I can help or provide referrals to trusted colleagues.
-
Yes. If you’re in an open or otherwise non-monogamous relationship and one of you went beyond your agreements, that is a betrayal. The recovery process follows many of the same principles as affair recovery in monogamous relationships, while addressing the specific agreements and boundaries in your relationship.
-
Yes. Infidelity doesn't have to involve an ongoing romantic or sexual relationship with another person. Some couples come to me after discovering hidden pornography use, paid sexual encounters, visits to sex workers, or other sexual behavior that violated their relationship agreements.
If the sexual behavior has also become difficult to control, I offer individual therapy for out-of-control sexual behavior. That can address concerns about the behavior itself while couples therapy focuses on the betrayal and its effects on your relationship.
-
People are unfaithful for different reasons, and a lack of sex doesn’t make someone cheat. Even when a person is unhappy with their sexual relationship, they’re responsible for how they respond to that dissatisfaction and for their decision to be unfaithful.
Sometimes couples were struggling with differences in sexual desire or sexual dissatisfaction long before the infidelity occurred. Those difficulties deserve attention, but discussing them after a betrayal can be painful. The betrayed partner may feel blamed, while the unfaithful partner may worry that bringing up longstanding concerns will sound like an excuse.
In our sessions, I'll help you address the betrayal first, including the questions, hurt, and loss of trust it has created. As you begin to repair that damage, we’ll also examine difficulties that existed before the infidelity, including concerns about your sexual relationship.
If differences in sexual desire were one of those concerns, I can help you understand what’s contributing to them and develop a sexual relationship that feels satisfying to both partners.
-
Generally, no. My couples therapy services are private pay and focus on repairing your relationship rather than treating a diagnosed mental health condition. I don’t bill insurance companies, and relationship counseling that doesn’t involve treatment of a qualifying medical condition generally isn’t eligible for HSA or FSA reimbursement.
I can provide a superbill on request that includes an appropriate Z code, but insurance reimbursement for couples therapy is uncommon and depends on your plan. I don’t submit information about your therapy to your insurer. If you choose to submit a superbill, however, you’ll be sharing the information it contains.
-
Recovering from infidelity is a long-term process, often taking one to two years, and sometimes longer. But that doesn’t mean you’ll attend weekly therapy throughout that time.
Most couples meet weekly at first, then move to every other week, and eventually monthly as the two of you become more comfortable having difficult conversations and working through disagreements on your own.
The length of therapy depends on your relationship’s needs and the progress you make together.
-
Yes. Online sessions follow the same structured Gottman Method approach I use in couples therapy, including guided conversations about the affair, rebuilding trust, and addressing problems in your relationship.
Some couples find it easier to have difficult conversations from the privacy of their own home. And if you and your partner are living apart right now, you can each join from a separate private location, provided you’re both in a state where I’m authorized to practice.
Have Questions about Couples Therapy for Infidelity?
Contact me using the button below. I’ll respond within 2 business days.