Couples Therapy for Mismatched Sexual Desire & Desire Discrepancy ● AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist ● Practicing Therapy Since 1988
Sex Therapy for Hudson Valley, NY Couples with Sexual Desire Discrepancy
Online sex therapy for New York couples in Rockland County, Dutchess County, and across the Hudson Valley
Mismatched sexual desire: Sex therapy for Hudson Valley couples
One of you wants sex more often than the other, and for many couples, the difference in desire started with a change in one partner’s body. Maybe menopause or a new medication lowered desire, or an illness left one of you worn out. Maybe sex started to hurt, or erection problems made sex stressful.
If you’re the partner who wants more sex, you were patient at first. But after months of hearing no, each no feels like a rejection of you, and the hurt has turned into resentment. You don’t know how to talk about feeling rejected and lonely without starting a fight.
If you’re the partner who wants less sex, you didn’t choose the change in your body. You can tell that there’s distance between the two of you, even on days when your partner doesn’t say a word about sex. You’ve started to worry that a hug or a kiss will lead to a request for sex, so you keep hugs short.
On Sunday mornings, you still walk the Walkway Over the Hudson together, but you don’t hold hands anymore. Over the years you’ve drifted apart, and both of you miss being close.
Desire discrepancy is the clinical name for an ongoing difference in how much sex two partners want.
But there’s hope. With sex therapy, many couples enjoy sex together again, and you can, too.
Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW | AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist & Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist
I help couples in the Hudson Valley enjoy sex together again.
I’ve been a therapist since 1988. For more than fifteen years, I’ve focused on sex therapy for couples.
I’m an AASECT-certified sex therapist and a certified Gottman Method couples therapist. I also train other therapists: I’m an AASECT Approved Supervisor and a Gottman Method trainer. With both certifications, I can help with your sexual desire discrepancy and your relationship at the same time.
I treat desire discrepancy as a problem between two people, which is why I see couples in sex therapy rather than one partner alone. When you come to sex therapy sessions together, I can help each of you understand how the difference in sexual desire has affected you and your relationship.
I’ll help both of you understand what’s contributing to your differences in desire, including how physical changes, sexual pleasure, arousal, and relationship difficulties affect each of you. We’ll identify ways to make sexual intimacy more satisfying, whether that involves adapting sexual activities, addressing discomfort, or changing how you approach intimacy together.
When menopause, a medication, an illness, pain during sex, or erection problems lower desire, I’ll suggest that you see your doctor, too. Your doctor can help with the medical side. In our sessions, the two of you work on how the change has affected your relationship, including how often you have sex and how sex feels.
Here’s what you can expect from me as your sex therapist:
We talk about sex directly, in plain words, and sex stays at the center of our sessions.
After assessing what’s contributing to your difficulties, I’ll recommend treatment based on what each of you needs. That may involve addressing sexual discomfort, changes in arousal or pleasure, relationship concerns, or using structured touch exercises when appropriate. We’ll choose an approach that respects both partners’ comfort and sexual interests.
I take both of your experiences seriously, whether you’re the partner who wants more sex or the partner who wants less. The partner who wants more sex won’t be told that wanting sex is the problem, and the partner who wants less sex won’t be asked to say yes when they don’t want to. Together, we work toward sex you both look forward to.
We meet by secure video, and you’ll both need to be in New York State during each session.
How your relationship changes after sex therapy with me
When differences in sexual desire go unresolved, hurt and uncertainty can grow between partners. If one of you has begun avoiding affection to prevent another argument about sex, the other can feel increasingly rejected, even when neither of you wants the distance between you.
In our first sessions, I give each of you time to describe what the past months have been like. While one of you talks, I help the other listen without getting defensive, so each of you finally hears the other’s side.
Then I’ll assess what’s contributing to your differences in desire, including sexual satisfaction, arousal, physical health, and the ways these concerns have affected your relationship.
If sex has become painful, I’ll recommend appropriate medical care while helping you explore sexual activities that feel comfortable and pleasurable. If erection difficulties have made sex stressful, we can consider ways to enjoy sexual intimacy without making an erection necessary for pleasure.
I’ll select interventions based on what we discover. Structured touch exercises can be useful when they fit your concerns, but the treatment plan will depend on what each of you needs.
You leave each session with one specific step to try, and at the next session, we talk about how the step went and choose the next one together.
If you’re the partner who wants more sex, you gain a clearer understanding of what affects your partner’s sexual interest and what their experience of intimacy is like now. You can discuss your feelings of rejection without assuming that every no reflects how your partner feels about you. The two of you can enjoy being together again, including on evenings when you don't have sex.
If you’re the partner who wants less sex, you hear that your partner’s disappointment comes from missing being close to you, so the disappointment feels less like an attack.
You also learn which kinds of touch feel good in your body now.
You might find that you have more energy in the morning, or that a long massage helps you get in the mood. Once a hug stops feeling like a request, you can say yes when you want to and no when you don’t.
When one of you says “not tonight,” the other says “okay” without sighing or rolling over to face the wall, and you still kiss good night and fall asleep close. In the morning, neither of you is still upset.
On some nights, you spend the evening together on the couch, and on others, you have sex you both enjoy.
Who is a good fit for sex therapy for Couples with desire discrepancy?
Sex therapy for desire discrepancy works best when both partners come to sessions. Both of you also need to want more satisfying sex together.
You don’t have to agree on what caused the desire discrepancy, or feel equally ready to work on the difference. Many couples start with one partner more doubtful than the other. You only need to be willing to try sex therapy together.
I also work with LGBTQIA+ couples, couples in open or polyamorous relationships, and couples where one or both partners are autistic or have ADHD.
If there’s ongoing domestic violence in your relationship, sex therapy isn’t the right place to start. Individual therapy is safer.
A certified sex therapist and couples therapist with more than 15 years treating differences in sexual desire
I’m Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW
I’ve been a therapist since 1988, and for more than 15 years, I’ve helped couples whose differences in sexual desire have become a source of frustration, hurt, or uncertainty about their relationship.
As both an AASECT-certified sex therapist and a Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist, I bring two areas of specialized training to your treatment. I can assess how sexual desire, arousal, physical health, sexual satisfaction, and relationship difficulties influence one another, including concerns that aren’t immediately obvious to either partner.
Couples can spend years trying to improve their sexual relationship without understanding why their desires differ. I’ll help you identify what’s contributing to the problem and address those issues so you can build a sexual relationship that feels satisfying to both of you.
If the description on this page sounded like your relationship, I’d like to help.
Logistics
Pricing, scheduling, and online Sex Therapy sessions
All sessions are conducted by secure, HIPAA-compliant video. I work with couples in the Hudson Valley area and the rest of New York State.
Sessions are private pay, billed at $500 per hour and $750 for 90-minute sessions. Extended sessions (3+ hours) are available for couples who want to make faster progress.
I am not in-network with insurance and cannot bill them directly. For more information about pricing, please see the pricing page.
How to get started in sex therapy
To schedule your first appointment, please choose a day and time on my secure, HIPAA-compliant calendar using the button below.
After I approve your request, typically within one business day, you and your partner will receive new client forms via email, which you’ll both review and digitally sign before we meet.
Areas served in and around the Hudson Valley area
I’m licensed in New York as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW #086198), and I work with couples by secure, HIPAA-compliant video across the Hudson Valley.
I work with couples in Rockland, Orange, Putnam, Dutchess, and Ulster counties, including Nyack, New City, Newburgh, Goshen, Warwick, Cold Spring, Carmel, Beacon, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Kingston, and New Paltz.
If you’re anywhere in the Hudson Valley, I can work with you.
Questions about sex therapy for Hudson Valley Couples with desire discrepancy —
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Yes. Your doctor treats the health problem and sex therapy helps the two of you with how the health problem has changed sex and your relationship. Many couples find new kinds of touch and sex that work for their bodies now.
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Yes, for both of you. If you’re the partner who wants less sex, I won’t push you to have more sex. We start by finding out what has made sex hard to want, and then we work toward sex you want to have, at a pace that feels okay to you.
If you’re the partner who wants more sex, wanting sex with your partner is normal, and I take your experience as seriously as your partner’s. We work on how to ask for sex, how to hear no without feeling rejected, and how to let go of resentment.
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Yes. One of you can join from home and the other from work, and you’ll both sign on to the same secure video link. Each of you will need a private space and reliable internet.
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I’m not in-network with any insurance company, and I don’t provide superbills for couples sessions. If you have a FSA or HSA card, you’re welcome to use it for our sessions.
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Yes. One of you can join from home and the other from work, and you’ll both sign on to the same secure video link. Each of you will need a private room where other people can’t walk in or overhear our conversation. I see clients Monday through Wednesday, between 11am and 5pm Eastern time.
Still have Questions about sex therapy for desire discrepancy?
Please contact me using the button below. I will respond within 2 business days.