Couples Therapy for Mismatched Sexual Desire & Desire Discrepancy ● AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist ● Practicing Therapy Since 1988
Sex Therapy for Brooklyn Couples with Sexual Desire Discrepancy
Online sex therapy for New York couples in every Brooklyn neighborhood, for couples of every gender and relationship structure
Mismatched sexual desire in LGBTQIA+ relationships in Brooklyn
Many years into your relationship, one of you wants sex more often than the other does. In the early years, the difference in sexual desire didn’t matter much. Now sex happens a few times a year, and each year the distance between you feels wider.
Maybe you’re two men who met in your twenties. Back then, sex was easy and frequent. Now the partner who wants more sex can’t picture going without sex for the rest of his life. The partner who wants less sex feels guilty every time sex comes up.
Or maybe you’re two women, and each of you is waiting for the other to start. Some people experience responsive desire, meaning sexual interest develops in response to something appealing, which could include a slow kiss, erotic conversation, or other experiences they enjoy. When neither partner tends to initiate sex spontaneously, both can end up waiting for the other to make the first move, and weeks can go by without sex.
Or maybe one of you started hormones, and your desire changed. Gender-affirming hormones can raise or lower how much sex a person wants, so the two of you are working out a sex life that fits the body each of you has now.
From the outside, the two of you look like one of the couples who lasted. You share a lease in Park Slope or Brooklyn Heights, a dog everyone on the block knows, and a group chat full of friends. Your friends don’t know that the two of you haven’t had sex since last spring.
Some couples open the relationship to ease the pressure of the difference in desire. The partner who wants more sex can find sex with other people, and the partner who wants less sex doesn’t have to say no as often. For a while, the arrangement can feel like a relief.
But the partner who wants more sex still wonders whether the partner at home wants them, and dates with other people can’t answer that question. And the partner who wants less sex can start to feel guilty, jealous, or left out when the other partner comes home happy from a date.
Desire discrepancy is the clinical name for an ongoing difference in how much sex two partners want.
Couples of every gender combination experience desire discrepancy. Even after many years, there’s hope for a sex life you both want. Many long-term couples rebuild their sex life in sex therapy, and the two of you can, too.
Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW | AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist & Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist
I work with Brooklyn couples of every gender, Relationship Structure, and sexual orientation.
I’ve been a therapist since 1988. For more than fifteen years, I’ve focused on sex therapy for couples.
I’m an AASECT-certified sex therapist and a certified Gottman Method couples therapist. I also train other therapists: I’m an AASECT Approved Supervisor and a Gottman Method trainer. With both certifications, I can help with your sexual desire discrepancy and your relationship at the same time.
You won’t have to explain your relationship to me before we can talk about sex. I don’t measure your relationship against a straight, monogamous standard. If your relationship is open, I won’t ask you to close the relationship before we start.
I work with both partners because each of your experiences matters when deciding how to address a difference in sexual desire. I’ll assess what’s contributing to the difficulty, including sexual satisfaction, arousal, physical health, hormonal changes, and relationship concerns. When additional medical or individual care is appropriate, I’ll recommend it alongside our sessions.
Here’s what you can expect from me as your sex therapist:
We talk about sex directly, in plain words, and sex stays at the center of our sessions.
After assessing what’s contributing to your difficulties, I’ll recommend treatment that fits your relationship. That may include addressing changes in arousal or sexual enjoyment, adapting intimacy to physical or hormonal changes, working on relationship concerns, or using structured touch exercises when appropriate. Both partners will have a say in what we try.
I take both of your experiences seriously, whether you’re the partner who wants more sex or the partner who wants less. The partner who wants more sex won’t be told that wanting sex is the problem, and the partner who wants less sex won’t be asked to say yes when they don’t want to. Together, we work toward sex you both look forward to.
We meet by secure video, and you’ll both need to be in New York State during each session.
How your relationship changes after sex therapy with me
When a difference in sexual desire goes unresolved for years, frustration and uncertainty about your relationship can grow. You may begin wondering what your sexual relationship will look like in another ten years.
In our sessions, I’ll assess how each of you experiences sexual desire, arousal, attraction, and satisfaction. We’ll also consider physical health, hormonal changes, and relationship concerns that may be contributing to the difference.
I’ll use that information to recommend treatment appropriate for your relationship. Depending on what we discover, we may focus on sexual pleasure, changes in arousal, relationship difficulties, or structured touch exercises. I’ll explain why I’m recommending each intervention and help you determine what feels comfortable and useful to both of you.
For the partner who wants more sex, you can better understand what affects your partner’s sexual interest and express your own needs without feeling that you’re asking for too much.
For the partner who wants less sex, you can explore what makes intimacy appealing and satisfying to you, without feeling responsible for restoring a previous level of desire.
If both of you feel responsive desire, each of you learns how to start something relaxed, like a slow kiss on the couch, without waiting for the other partner to want sex first.
If hormones changed how much sex one of you wants, the two of you learn which kinds of touch and sex feel good in the body each of you has now.
If your relationship is open, you can talk honestly about what you each want from sex with one another and with other partners. You can address jealousy, feelings of rejection, or disagreements about your arrangements without assuming that opening or closing the relationship will resolve your differences in desire. Together, you can make agreements that respect both partners’ needs and preferences.
When sex does come up, the two of you can talk about sex without the conversation turning into the same fight. The repair skills I teach come from my Gottman Method training and from research on real couples.
Ten years in, you feel wanted again, by the partner you chose. And the two of you decide the future of your relationship together, before one of you loses patience and decides alone.
Read the full explanation of desire discrepancy and how sex therapy works →
Who is a good fit for sex therapy for Couples with desire discrepancy?
Sex therapy for desire discrepancy works best when both partners come to sessions. Both of you also need to want more satisfying sex together.
You don’t have to agree on what caused the desire discrepancy, or feel equally ready to work on the difference. Many couples start with one partner more doubtful than the other. You only need to be willing to try sex therapy together.
I work with couples of every gender and sexual orientation, couples in open or polyamorous relationships, and couples where one or both partners are autistic or have ADHD.
If there’s ongoing domestic violence in your relationship, sex therapy isn’t the right place to start. Individual therapy is safer.
A certified sex therapist and couples therapist with more than 15 years treating differences in sexual desire
I’m Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW
I’ve been a therapist since 1988, and for more than 15 years, I’ve helped couples whose differences in sexual desire have become a source of frustration, hurt, or uncertainty about their relationship.
As both an AASECT-certified sex therapist and a Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist, I bring two areas of specialized training to your treatment. I can assess how sexual desire, arousal, physical health, sexual satisfaction, and relationship difficulties influence one another, including concerns that aren’t immediately obvious to either partner.
Couples can spend years trying to improve their sexual relationship without understanding why their desires differ. I’ll help you identify what’s contributing to the problem and address those issues so you can build a sexual relationship that feels satisfying to both of you.
If the description on this page sounded like your relationship, I’d like to help.
Logistics
Pricing, scheduling, and online Sex Therapy sessions
All sessions are conducted by secure, HIPAA-compliant video. I work with couples in Brooklyn and across New York State.
Sessions are private pay, billed at $500 per hour and $750 for 90-minute sessions. Extended sessions (3+ hours) are available for couples who want to make faster progress.
I am not in-network with insurance and cannot bill them directly. For more information about pricing, please see the pricing page.
schedule your first sex therapy session
To schedule your first appointment, please choose a day and time on my secure, HIPAA-compliant calendar using the button below.
After I approve your request, typically within one business day, you and your partner will receive new client forms via email, which you’ll both review and digitally sign before we meet.
Areas Served in Brooklyn
I’m licensed in New York as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW #086198), and I work with couples by secure, HIPAA-compliant video across Brooklyn.
This includes Park Slope, Prospect Heights, Crown Heights, Fort Greene, Clinton Hill, Bedford-Stuyvesant, Bushwick, Williamsburg, Greenpoint, Brooklyn Heights, DUMBO, Cobble Hill, Boerum Hill, Carroll Gardens, Windsor Terrace, Ditmas Park, and Bay Ridge.
If you’re anywhere in Brooklyn, I can work with you.
Questions about sex therapy for Brooklyn couples with desire discrepancy —
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Yes. I work with couples where one or both partners are trans or nonbinary. If one of you takes gender-affirming hormones, we can talk about how the hormones have changed your desire. If a medical question comes up, I’m happy to consult with the doctor who prescribes your hormones.
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Yes. Many couples stay open while we work on sex between the two of you. When an agreement with another partner affects how either of you feels about sex at home, we talk about the agreement in our sessions.
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I see clients Monday through Wednesday, between 11 a.m. and 5 p.m. Eastern Time. You and your partner don’t have to be in the same room for a session (for example, some partners will join from home and the other from work). You’ll both sign on to the same secure video link. Each of you will need a private space where other people can’t overhear our conversation.
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I’m not in-network with any insurance company, and I don’t provide superbills for couples sessions. If you have a FSA or HSA card, you’re welcome to use that for our sessions.
Still have Questions about sex therapy for desire discrepancy?
Please contact me using the button below. I will respond within 2 business days.