Couples Therapy for Mismatched Sexual Desire & Desire Discrepancy ● AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist ● Practicing Therapy Since 1988
Sex Therapy for Long Island Couples with Sexual Desire Discrepancy
Online sex therapy for New York couples on Long Island, in Nassau County, and in Suffolk County
Sex therapy for Long Island couples
Two or three decades into your relationship, one of you wants sex more often than the other does. For years, the two of you told each other that sex would come back once the kids left home. Now the youngest is away at college, and the two of you still rarely have sex.
The partner who wants more sex stopped asking years ago and started counting down to the empty nest instead. After the last college drop-off at Stony Brook, the house feels quiet. The two of you eat dinner at the kitchen island and talk about the kids, and then each of you goes to bed at a different time.
For the partner who wants less sex, the reasons may have changed over the years. If you’re in perimenopause or menopause, maybe you wake up at 3am too hot to fall back asleep, and by evening, you’re too tired to want sex. Maybe sex has started to become painful, too, so you go upstairs early and turn off the light before your partner comes to bed.
Meanwhile, one of you drives to Huntington every Sunday to check on your mom. And your son just moved back into the basement.
The two of you walk the boardwalk in Long Beach on Sunday mornings, and your friends see the two of you as a happy couple. But neither of you can remember the last time the two of you had sex.
Desire discrepancy is the clinical name for an ongoing difference in how much sex two partners want.
A difference in desire after decades together is common. There’s hope, even after 20 or 30 years. Many couples who’ve been together for decades start enjoying sex together again in sex therapy, and the two of you can, too.
Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW | AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist & Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist
I help Long Island couples enjoy sex with each other again after decades together.
I’ve been a therapist since 1988. For more than fifteen years, I’ve focused on sex therapy for couples.
I’m an AASECT-certified sex therapist and a certified Gottman Method couples therapist. I also train other therapists: I’m an AASECT Approved Supervisor and a Gottman Method trainer. With both certifications, I can help with your sexual desire discrepancy and your relationship at the same time.
For couples who have been together for decades, I’ll assess how sexual desire, arousal, physical health, and sexual satisfaction have changed over the years. I’ll also look at whether relationship difficulties are affecting your sexual connection.
When the two of you have spent years focused on raising children and managing responsibilities, I can use my Gottman Method training to help you reconnect as partners and understand what each of you wants from this next stage of your relationship.
I work with both partners because each of your experiences matters when we're deciding how to address your differences in sexual desire. I'll help you understand what's contributing to the difficulty and how it has affected your relationship. When medical or individual concerns need additional attention, I'll recommend appropriate care alongside our sessions.
Sometimes menopause, a medication, or a health problem lowers desire or makes sex hurt. When a medical cause seems likely, I’ll suggest that you see your doctor, too.
Here’s what you can expect from me as your sex therapist:
We talk about sex directly, in plain words, and sex stays at the center of our sessions.
I’ll use what we learn during the assessment to recommend treatment suited to your relationship. That may involve addressing sexual discomfort, changes in arousal or pleasure, relationship concerns, or using structured touch exercises when appropriate. We’ll choose interventions that respect both partners’ comfort and sexual interests.
I take both of your experiences seriously, whether you’re the partner who wants more sex or the partner who wants less. The partner who wants more sex won’t be told that wanting sex is the problem, and the partner who wants less sex won’t be asked to say yes when they don’t want to. Together, we work toward sex you both look forward to.
We meet by secure video, and you’ll both need to be in New York State during each session.
How your relationship changes after sex therapy with me
Without help, a difference in desire tends to get wider. After the kids leave, another year goes by without sex, and each of you starts to wonder privately whether sex is over for good.
In our first sessions, I’ll ask how your sexual relationship has changed over the years, what each of you finds pleasurable now, and what has become difficult. I’ll assess concerns involving desire, arousal, sexual discomfort, physical health, and your relationship.
I’ll recommend treatment based on what we discover. If intercourse has become painful, we’ll address that concern and discuss appropriate medical care rather than expecting you to continue having painful sex. We may explore other pleasurable sexual activities, use structured touch exercises, or address relationship concerns when those interventions fit your needs.
We’ll review how treatment is working for both of you and adjust our approach as necessary.
If you’re the partner who wants more sex, you can feel wanted and valued in your relationship, with a clearer understanding of how your partner experiences sexual desire.
You can enjoy intimate experiences that both of you genuinely want, without feeling that you’re waiting indefinitely for your sexual relationship to improve.
If you’re the partner who wants less sex, you can discover what kinds of intimacy feel pleasurable and appealing to you now. If menopause or other physical changes have made sex uncomfortable, you and your partner can find ways to enjoy sexual intimacy that respect your comfort while you receive appropriate medical care.
When sex does come up, the two of you can talk about it without the conversation turning into the same fight. The repair skills I teach come from my Gottman Method training and from research on real couples.
On a rainy Sunday afternoon, with the house to yourselves, the two of you go back to bed together.
You feel wanted again, by the person you’ve spent decades with.
Who is a good fit for sex therapy for Couples with desire discrepancy?
Sex therapy for desire discrepancy works best when both partners attend sessions together. Both of you also need to want more satisfying sex together.
You don’t have to agree on what caused the desire discrepancy, or feel equally ready to work on the difference. Many couples start with one partner more doubtful than the other. You only need to be willing to try sex therapy together.
I also work with LGBTQIA+ couples, couples in open or polyamorous relationships, and couples where one or both partners are autistic or have ADHD.
If there’s ongoing domestic violence in your relationship, sex therapy isn’t the right place to start. Individual therapy is safer.
A certified sex therapist and couples therapist with more than 15 years treating differences in sexual desire
I’m Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW
I’ve been a therapist since 1988, and for more than 15 years, I’ve helped couples whose differences in sexual desire have become a source of frustration, hurt, or uncertainty about their relationship.
As both an AASECT-certified sex therapist and a Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist, I bring two areas of specialized training to your treatment. I can assess how sexual desire, arousal, physical health, sexual satisfaction, and relationship difficulties influence one another, including concerns that aren’t immediately obvious to either partner.
Couples can spend years trying to improve their sexual relationship without understanding why their desires differ. I’ll help you identify what’s contributing to the problem and address those issues so you can build a sexual relationship that feels satisfying to both of you.
If the description on this page sounded like your relationship, I’d like to help.
Logistics
Pricing, scheduling, and online Sex Therapy sessions
All sessions are conducted by secure, HIPAA-compliant video. I work with couples across Long Island and the rest of New York State.
Sessions are private pay, billed at $500 per hour and $750 for 90-minute sessions. Extended sessions (3+ hours) are available for couples who want to make faster progress.
I am not in-network with insurance and cannot bill them directly. For more information about pricing, please see the pricing page.
How to get started in sex therapy
To schedule your first appointment, please choose a day and time on my secure, HIPAA-compliant calendar using the button below.
After I approve your request, typically within one business day, you and your partner will receive new client forms via email, which you’ll both review and digitally sign before we meet.
Areas Served on Long Island
I’m licensed in New York as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW #086198), and I work with couples by secure, HIPAA-compliant video across Nassau County and Suffolk County.
In Nassau County, I work with couples in Garden City, Manhasset, Great Neck, Port Washington, Roslyn, Oyster Bay, Syosset, Rockville Centre, Massapequa, and Long Beach.
In Suffolk County, I work with couples in Huntington, Cold Spring Harbor, Northport, Smithtown, Stony Brook, Setauket, Riverhead, the North Fork, Southampton, and East Hampton.
If you’re anywhere on Long Island, I can work with you.
Questions about sex therapy for Long Island Couples with desire discrepancy —
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Yes. A long relationship gives us a lot to build on, including years of shared history and a deep knowledge of how your partner thinks. In our sessions, we build on what the two of you already know about each other.
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Yes. In our sessions, we work on touch and sex that feel good to both of you. I’ll also suggest a visit with your doctor or a menopause specialist, who can treat dryness and pain. Sex therapy and medical treatment work well together.
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I’m not in-network with any insurance company, and I don’t provide superbills for couples sessions. If you have a FSA or HSA card, you’re welcome to use it for our sessions.
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Yes. One of you can join from home and the other from work, and you’ll both sign on to the same secure video link. Each of you will need a private space and reliable internet.
Still have Questions about sex therapy for desire discrepancy?
Please contact me using the button below. I will respond within 2 business days.