Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist · AASECT Certified Sex Therapist · Practicing Therapy Since 1988
Couples Therapy After Infidelity in Oregon
Online Couples Therapy After Infidelity, Betrayal, and Affairs for Oregon Couples
If you’re the partner who was betrayed…
You want to understand what was happening in your relationship before the infidelity. You’ve asked your partner whether they were unhappy, whether there were problems they never told you about, and why they didn’t come to you instead of having an affair.
But some of their answers have been painful to hear.
Maybe your partner tells you they felt lonely for years, or that they stopped trying to talk about something because they didn’t think you would listen. You remember those years differently. You remember trying to be close to them, making compromises, and doing your best to take care of the relationship.
You know your partner was responsible for deciding to have an affair. But when they talk about feeling hurt or unhappy before it happened, you can’t help wondering whether they’re suggesting that you drove them to it.
And now, when your partner brings up something they’re dissatisfied with, it’s hard to hear it as an ordinary complaint.
If they say they’ve been feeling disconnected from you, you wonder whether they’re thinking about leaving. If they say they’re unhappy with your sex life, you wonder whether they’re comparing you to the person they had an affair with.
You may find yourself getting angry or asking, “So is that why you cheated?” even when part of you wants to understand what your partner is trying to tell you.
You want to be able to hear your partner’s feelings without wondering whether every complaint is an excuse for the affair or a warning that it could happen again.
You also want them to understand the ways you were hurt before the infidelity, without those experiences being dismissed because theirs were different.
If you’re the unfaithful partner…
You know you hurt your partner terribly by having an affair. You regret what you did, and you want to repair your relationship.
But you’re also carrying some painful feelings about what your relationship was like before the infidelity.
Maybe there were times when you felt dismissed or criticized by your partner. You remember trying to tell them something was bothering you, only to have the conversation turn into an argument. Or you felt lonely in the relationship, even during times when your partner thought things were going well between you.
You know those experiences don’t excuse your decision to have an affair. But they still hurt, and you haven’t stopped caring about them just because you were unfaithful.
Now, when you try to talk about those feelings, your partner may become upset or ask whether you’re blaming them for what happened.
You understand why they’re sensitive to anything that sounds like an excuse. But it’s frustrating to feel that your unhappiness has become something you’re no longer allowed to discuss.
Sometimes you stop yourself before saying anything. Other times, you get defensive and find yourself arguing about who hurt whom more.
You may even resent being expected to listen to your partner’s pain while feeling that your own experiences have no place in the conversation. Then you feel guilty for being angry with someone you’ve hurt so deeply.
You want to take responsibility for your infidelity without having to pretend that everything was okay for you before it happened.
You want your partner to understand the ways you were hurt, and you want to be able to talk about what needs to change in your relationship without making them feel responsible for your decision to have an affair.
Hope after infidelity
When you’re trying to understand what happened in your relationship before the infidelity, it’s easy to get caught up in arguing about whose version of events is right. One of you remembers feeling lonely or criticized, while the other remembers trying hard to make the relationship work. Both of you want your experiences to be understood.
In therapy, I’ll help you get past those arguments. When one of you describes something hurtful, I’ll ask questions that help your partner understand what happened from your perspective and why it affected you. If your partner starts defending themselves or disputing your memories, I’ll slow the conversation down so you have a chance to explain yourself and feel heard.
I’ll also help you distinguish between talking about problems in your relationship before the affair and assigning responsibility for the infidelity. The partner who had the affair is responsible for that decision. But you can still examine how you treated each other, acknowledge the hurt you caused, and apologize for things you wish you’d handled differently.
You can begin talking about your relationship before the affair without either of you feeling that your pain is being dismissed or that acknowledging your partner’s hurt means denying your own.
How affair recovery works
How I help Oregon couples repair their relationship after infidelity, betrayal, and affairs
When you come to couples therapy because of an affair, we won’t spend months discussing older relationship problems before addressing the betrayal.
After our initial three-session assessment, we’ll begin working directly on the affair, the questions that still need answers, and the hurt it’s caused.
There’s a clinical reason for starting here, too. Even when you’re trying to talk about problems that existed before the affair, the betrayal can affect how you hear and respond to each other. We need to address what happened before we can work effectively on those older problems.
I’ll guide you through the recovery process in this order:
A three-session assessment
Repairing the betrayal and hurt caused by the affair
Repairing older hurts and vulnerabilities in the relationship
Finally, repairing your sexual relationship, once trust has had enough time to rebuild
Read more about the full process I take couples through after infidelity here →
How couples therapy can Change Your Relationship after infidelity
1. You can understand how your partner experienced your relationship, even when you remember things differently.
In couples therapy, I’ll help you examine specific experiences that still hurt. I may ask one of you to describe a conversation you remember clearly, including what you said, what you hoped your partner would understand, and how you interpreted their response. Then I’ll help your partner explain what they remember and what was happening for them at the time.
We’ll look at where your experiences differ and what each of you may have misunderstood or overlooked. I’ll also help you acknowledge when something you said or did hurt your partner, even if you didn’t intend it that way or remember the event differently.
You can begin understanding why certain experiences were so painful for your partner without having to agree on every detail of the past. And you can receive acknowledgment and apologies for things that hurt you, rather than feeling that your partner needs to accept your entire version of events before they can take your feelings seriously.
2. You can talk about what’s bothering you without every complaint turning into an argument.
I’ll help you express what you’re feeling and what you need from your partner without blaming or criticizing them. I’ll also help you recognize when you’re becoming defensive, so you can hear what your partner is saying without immediately feeling that you have to justify yourself.
We’ll work on expressing complaints about specific situations rather than making broad accusations about each other’s character. I’ll also help you acknowledge your partner’s feelings without immediately defending your intentions or arguing over whether their reaction was justified.
When something your partner says feels unfair, I’ll help you explain why without dismissing what they’re trying to tell you. Both of you can learn to take responsibility for hurtful behavior while still being able to speak up when something bothers you.
You can bring up concerns and ask for changes without feeling that you’re starting another fight. And when your partner has a complaint, you’ll have a better chance of understanding what they need from you instead of becoming caught up in defending yourself.
3. If you’re the unfaithful partner, your hurt and dissatisfaction can be heard and taken seriously, too.
In therapy, I’ll help you express how your partner’s behavior hurt you, including things you may have struggled to communicate before the affair. I’ll help you explain what happened and how it affected you without suggesting that your partner was responsible for your decision to be unfaithful.
This makes it easier for your partner to hear what you’re saying without feeling blamed for the betrayal. They can begin to understand the impact of their behavior, take responsibility where they’ve hurt you, and offer meaningful apologies, even when you remember parts of your relationship differently.
You can receive genuine understanding and apologies for the pain you experienced, even though you were the partner who had the affair. You’ll also learn to express dissatisfaction and painful feelings directly, rather than withdrawing, avoiding difficult conversations, or keeping your unhappiness secret.
4. You can feel more comfortable with physical affection and sexual intimacy as you repair your relationship.
As an AASECT-certified sex therapist, I’ll help you talk about how the infidelity has affected your sexual relationship, including changes in desire, worries about comparison with the affair partner, and sexual difficulties that may have existed before the betrayal.
I’ll help you discuss what kinds of affection and sexual contact each of you wants, what feels uncomfortable, and how to communicate those preferences without either partner feeling rejected or pressured. If one of you wants sex more often than the other, we’ll look at how you’ve handled that difference and what might help both of you feel more understood.
We can also address the hurt that has accumulated around sex over the years, whether that involves repeated rejection, feeling obligated to have sex, or difficulty talking about pleasure and satisfaction.
Whether you’ve continued having sex since the infidelity or stopped for a while, you can begin rebuilding a sexual relationship that feels more comfortable and satisfying for both of you. You’ll be better able to express your desires, respect each other’s boundaries, and enjoy physical closeness without leaving important concerns unspoken.
Practicing the Gottman Method since 2000
I’ve been a therapist since 1988 and began studying with the Gottman Institute in 2000. I’ve been fully certified as a Gottman Method couples therapist and Gottman workshop leader since 2009.
The Gottman Method is grounded in decades of research with thousands of couples, including research on relationships affected by infidelity. The methods I use help couples understand why certain disagreements keep coming up, talk about painful subjects without making things worse, and repair the hurt that builds up when conversations go badly.
Gottman certification is a multi-year process. I completed all three levels of clinical training, then recorded my therapy sessions and submitted them to the Gottman Institute. Senior clinicians reviewed my work, provided feedback, and evaluated my ability to apply the method with couples.
I bring that training and clinical experience to my work with couples recovering from infidelity, helping them address the betrayal, rebuild trust, and work through difficulties in their relationship.
Who is a Good Fit for this Service?
I work with every form of infidelity: physical or emotional affairs, a secret online relationship or sexting, hidden pornography use or visits to strip clubs, secretly paying for sex, or a broken agreement in an open or non-monogamous relationship.
Therapy with me is for couples where both people want to repair the relationship.
If there is ongoing domestic violence in your relationship, couples therapy is not an appropriate service. Couples therapy asks both of you to speak honestly in session, and when one partner is being hurt or controlled at home, that honesty can create danger after the session ends. Individual therapy is a safer starting place.
Infidelity therapist & certified Gottman method couples therapist
I’m Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW
I’ve been a licensed therapist since 1988, and affair recovery has been a central part of my couples practice for more than two decades. An affair is a crisis, and most couples who come to me have already spent months trying to resolve it on their own, leaving them feeling even more disconnected.
Infidelity creates a specific communication breakdown that good intentions can’t fix. The betrayed partner needs to talk to process what happened; the unfaithful partner shuts down out of shame or defensiveness. Attempts to resolve the damage caused by the affair without outside intervention reinforce that breakdown rather than interrupt it.
I provide the research-supported structure of repairing your relationship after infidelity.
If the description on this page sounded like your relationship, I’d like to help.
Logistics
Pricing, scheduling, and online couples therapy sessions
All sessions are conducted by secure, HIPAA-compliant video. I work with couples across Oregon.
Sessions are private pay, billed at $500 per hour and $750 for 90-minute sessions. Extended sessions (3+ hours) are available for couples who want to make faster progress. I am not in-network with insurance and cannot bill them directly. For more information about pricing, please see the pricing page.
How to get started in couples therapy
To schedule your first appointment, please choose a day and time on my secure, HIPAA-compliant calendar using the button directly below.
After I approve your request, typically within one business day, you and your partner will receive new client forms via email, which you’ll both review and digitally sign before we meet.
Areas Served in Oregon
I’ve been independently licensed in Oregon (LCSW license #L1201) since 1988. I work with clients via secure, HIPAA-compliant video across the state.
This includes:
Portland and the surrounding metro area, including Hillsboro, Beaverton, Gresham, Tigard, Lake Oswego, Oregon City, Wilsonville, Tualatin, West Linn, Forest Grove, Happy Valley, Milwaukie, and Sherwood
The Columbia River Gorge, including Hood River and The Dalles
Central Oregon, including Bend, Redmond, Sisters, and Prineville
The Willamette Valley, including Eugene, Springfield, Salem, Keizer, Woodburn, McMinnville, Newberg, Corvallis, Albany, Lebanon, and Roseburg
Southern Oregon, including Medford, Ashland, Grants Pass, Central Point, and Klamath Falls
Eastern Oregon, including Pendleton, La Grande, Hermiston, Baker City, and Ontario
The Oregon Coast, including Astoria, Seaside, Tillamook, Lincoln City, Newport, Florence, Coos Bay, North Bend, and Brookings
If you’re anywhere in Oregon, I can work with you.
Questions about couples therapy after infidelity in Oregon
Frequently Asked Questions —
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That’s something we can explore together. You may remember the same years very differently, and I won’t ask either of you to agree with an account that doesn’t match your experience.
I’ll help each of you explain what you remember, what was hurtful, and what you needed from your partner at the time. We’ll look at specific experiences rather than trying to decide whose overall description of the relationship is correct.
You can acknowledge that your partner felt hurt without agreeing that you caused their infidelity. The decision to have an affair belongs to the partner who made it, regardless of what was happening in the relationship beforehand.
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No. I provide couples therapy exclusively through secure, HIPAA-compliant video. I work with couples throughout Oregon, including Portland, Eugene, Salem, Bend, Medford, and smaller communities across the state.
You can attend from home or another private location where you can speak comfortably without interruptions.
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Yes. You can join the same video session from different locations, whether you live together, travel for work, or are temporarily living apart.
Each partner must be physically located in a state where I’m authorized to provide therapy at the time of the appointment. I’m licensed or authorized to provide telehealth in Oregon, Washington, New York, Massachusetts, and Florida.
Still Have Questions about Couples Therapy for Infidelity?
Contact me using the button below. I’ll respond within 2 business days.