Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist · AASECT Certified Sex Therapist · Practicing Therapy Since 1988
Couples Therapy After Infidelity in New York
Online Couples Therapy After Infidelity, Betrayal, and Affairs Throughout New York State via Secure Telehealth
If you’re the partner who was betrayed…
Since discovering the affair, you’ve been trying to piece together what happened while continuing to manage everything else in your life.
You go to work, answer emails, make dinner, and take care of your usual responsibilities. But it’s difficult to concentrate when you’re still wondering whether your partner has told you everything. You may find yourself rereading messages, comparing dates, or remembering something your partner said months ago that now seems suspicious.
You’ve asked your partner questions about the affair, but some of their answers leave you uncertain. Maybe they’ve told you when it started and how it ended, but you’re still trying to understand why it happened.
Or you’ve discovered information that contradicts something they previously told you, and now you don’t know which answers to believe.
You might ask a question one evening, feel reassured by the answer, and wake up the next morning thinking of something else you need to know. Your partner may become frustrated that you’re asking again, but you’re not trying to start another argument. You’re trying to understand what happened so you can decide whether it’s safe to trust them.
Meanwhile, you’re exhausted. You may be sleeping poorly, struggling to concentrate at work, or finding it difficult to enjoy time with people you care about.
Even when your partner is being affectionate or making an effort to reconnect, you may find yourself wondering whether their behavior is sincere.
You want to stop feeling as though you have to investigate your own relationship to know what’s true. But until you understand what happened and can trust your partner’s answers, it’s difficult to feel comfortable with them again.
If you’re the unfaithful partner…
You’ve ended the affair, and you want to repair your relationship. You know your partner needs answers, and you’ve tried to explain what happened. But even when you answer their questions, they don’t seem to feel any better.
You might spend an entire evening talking about the affair. You tell your partner when it started, what happened, and how it ended. By the end of the conversation, you feel like you’ve made some progress. Then the next morning, your partner asks another question, or brings up something you thought you’d already explained.
You don’t understand why your answers aren’t helping. Sometimes you become defensive because you feel like nothing you say will be enough. Other times, you hesitate before answering because you’re afraid another detail will hurt your partner even more. But your hesitation makes them wonder whether you’re still hiding something.
You may feel ashamed of what you did and frightened about losing your relationship. You want to show your partner that you’re committed to repairing the damage, but you don’t know what to do when apologies and promises don’t seem to make a difference.
There may be moments when you want to talk about how difficult this has been for you, too. But you know that your partner is the person you hurt, and asking them for comfort may feel inappropriate. So you keep those feelings to yourself while trying to manage work, family responsibilities, and the uncertainty about your future together.
You want to take responsibility for the affair and help your partner trust you again. But you’re struggling to understand what they need from you beyond answering the same questions and apologizing for what happened.
Why recovering from infidelity on your own isn’t working
You’ve probably had countless conversations about the affair. Some start calmly, with a question about what happened. But the longer you talk, the more frustrated you both become.
The betrayed partner may hear an answer that doesn’t address what they were trying to understand, so they ask the question again. The unfaithful partner may feel that they’ve already answered and become defensive. Soon, one of you is raising your voice, the other is withdrawing, and neither of you feels understood.
You may try setting aside time to talk, agreeing not to bring up the affair before bed, or promising to stay calm. But when the questions involve something as painful as infidelity, those agreements can be difficult to maintain without someone helping you through the conversation.
The problem isn’t necessarily that you’re asking the wrong questions or that your relationship can’t recover. It’s that you haven’t found a way to have these conversations that helps either of you move forward.
In therapy, I’ll help you change that. I’ll guide the betrayed partner in asking questions that get to what they need to understand, and I’ll help the unfaithful partner answer honestly and completely, even when the answers are uncomfortable.
When a conversation begins turning into an argument, I’ll slow it down and help each of you recognize what’s happening. Some questions may need to be asked more than once. We’ll make room for that without treating repeated questions as an accusation or expecting the betrayed partner to feel reassured before they’re ready.
As you practice these conversations in session, you’ll begin learning how to have them at home without needing me to guide every exchange.
You can begin understanding what happened while learning to talk to each other in ways that make rebuilding trust possible.
How couples therapy can Change Your Relationship after infidelity
1. You can get the answers you need without every conversation feeling like an interrogation.
You may have spent hours discussing the affair, only to find yourself asking another question the following day. The betrayed partner needs to understand what happened, while the unfaithful partner may struggle to explain their choices without becoming defensive or shutting down.
In therapy, I’ll guide those conversations so you can discuss difficult details without one of you feeling like a prosecutor and the other like a defendant. I’ll help the betrayed partner identify what they need to understand and the unfaithful partner respond honestly, even when the answers are uncomfortable.
Some questions may need to be answered more than once. That doesn’t mean the conversations aren’t helping. As your partner’s answers remain consistent and their behavior begins matching their words, you can gradually develop greater confidence in what they tell you.
You can begin understanding what happened without feeling that every answer has to be fought for or independently verified.
2. You can disagree and make decisions together without every argument returning to the affair.
Since discovering the affair, even ordinary decisions may have become difficult. A disagreement about money, parenting, or plans for the weekend can bring up questions about trust. The betrayed partner may question whether they can rely on the unfaithful partner’s judgment, while the unfaithful partner may feel that having an affair means they’ve lost the right to disagree.
In therapy, I’ll help you separate the responsibility for repairing the betrayal from the decisions you still need to make together. The partner who had the affair remains accountable for their choices, but both of you need to be able to express concerns and participate in decisions that affect your shared life.
I’ll also help you recognize when a disagreement is beginning to escalate. You’ll practice expressing concerns without criticism, listening without immediately becoming defensive, and taking a break when emotions become too intense to continue productively.
If the affair comes up during a disagreement, we won’t assume it’s irrelevant or insist that you set it aside. Instead, you’ll learn to address the concern about trust while still working toward a decision about the original issue.
You can begin making decisions together again without feeling that one partner must give in or that every disagreement threatens the relationship.
3. If you’re the unfaithful partner, your hurt and dissatisfaction can be heard and taken seriously, too.
You may feel tremendous shame about your decision to have an affair while also feeling angry about how your partner treated you. And you may worry that whenever you describe something hurtful they did, the conversation will return to your infidelity, and your complaints will never receive serious attention.
In therapy, I’ll help you express how your partner’s behavior hurt you, including things you may have struggled to communicate before the affair. I’ll help you explain what happened and how it affected you without suggesting that your partner was responsible for your decision to be unfaithful.
This makes it easier for your partner to hear what you’re saying without feeling blamed for the affair. They can begin to understand the impact of their behavior, take responsibility where they’ve hurt you, and offer meaningful apologies, even when you remember parts of your relationship differently.
You can receive genuine understanding and apologies for the pain you experienced, even though you were the partner who had the affair. You’ll also learn to express dissatisfaction and painful feelings directly, rather than withdrawing, avoiding difficult conversations, or keeping your unhappiness secret.
4. You can build a relationship where difficult needs and feelings are discussed openly and honestly.
Before the affair, there may have been problems neither of you knew how to discuss. Perhaps one of you felt lonely or dissatisfied but avoided bringing it up because you were afraid of hurting your partner or starting an argument. Or maybe you tried expressing what you needed, but your concerns came out as criticism, leaving your partner feeling attacked rather than understanding what was wrong.
Those difficulties may help explain what was happening in your relationship, but they don’t excuse the affair. The partner who had the affair remains responsible for that decision. Once we’ve begun repairing the betrayal, I’ll help you address the older problems in your relationship without shifting responsibility for the infidelity.
You’ll practice expressing dissatisfaction without criticism, listening without becoming defensive, and having conversations you might have avoided for years. I’ll help you recognize when one of you is withdrawing, making assumptions about what the other thinks, or agreeing to something simply to avoid conflict.
Over time, you can become more comfortable discussing difficult subjects without worrying that disagreement will threaten your relationship. You may find yourselves talking more openly about sex, money, parenting, or plans for the future, including concerns that neither of you felt comfortable raising before the affair.
You can build a relationship based on greater honesty and understanding, where both of you feel able to express what you need and address problems together rather than leaving important concerns unspoken.
How affair recovery works
How I help New York Couples After Infidelity, Betrayal, and Affairs
When you come to couples therapy because of an affair, we won’t spend months discussing older relationship problems before addressing the betrayal. After our initial three-session assessment, we’ll begin working directly on the affair, the questions that still need answers, and the hurt it’s caused.
There’s a clinical reason for starting here, too. The betrayal affects how you hear and respond to each other, even when you’re discussing problems that have nothing to do with the affair. A conversation about feeling lonely or unheard before the affair may sound to the betrayed partner like an attempt to justify what happened or blame them for their partner’s decision. Meanwhile, the unfaithful partner may become defensive or withdraw when those conversations bring up feelings of guilt or shame.
By addressing the betrayal first, I can help you begin rebuilding enough trust to discuss those older problems without every conversation becoming another argument about the affair. We can then examine what wasn’t working in your relationship while keeping responsibility for the infidelity where it belongs.
The process follows four steps:
A three-session assessment. I meet with you together and individually, and you’ll complete detailed questionnaires that help me understand your relationship and identify where we need to focus.
Repairing the betrayal. I’ll help the betrayed partner get answers to their questions and the unfaithful partner learn to respond honestly, without becoming defensive or withdrawing.
Addressing older relationship hurts. Once we’ve begun repairing the betrayal, we’ll work on unresolved conflicts, unmet needs, and difficulties communicating that may have existed before the affair.
Rebuilding your sexual relationship. We’ll give your sexual relationship more focused attention after addressing the betrayal and older hurts. Whether you’ve continued having sex or stopped after the affair, I’ll help you talk about desire, intimacy, and what each of you needs to feel comfortable.
Throughout the process, I’ll help you develop the skills to have difficult conversations outside of therapy, so you can eventually address problems together without needing me to guide every discussion.
Read more about the full process I take couples through after infidelity here →
Practicing Gottman Method Couples Therapy since 2000
I’ve been a therapist since 1988, and I practice Gottman Method couples therapy.
I began studies with the Gottman Institute in 2000, and I’ve been fully certified as a Gottman Method couples therapist and Gottman workshop leader since 2009.
The Gottman Method comes from more than four decades of research on thousands of real couples, including couples recovering from affairs. It is one of the most researched and widely practiced approaches to couples therapy in the world.
Gottman certification is a multi-year process. I completed all three levels of clinical training, then recorded my real therapy sessions and submitted them to the Gottman Institute, where senior clinicians reviewed my work, gave feedback, and confirmed that I practice the method as it was designed.
I bring that training and experience to my work with couples throughout New York State, using a structured approach to help partners repair the damage caused by infidelity and rebuild their relationship.
Who is a Good Fit for this Service?
I work with couples recovering from many forms of infidelity, including physical or emotional affairs, secret online relationships or sexting, hidden pornography use or visits to strip clubs, secretly paying for sex, or broken agreements in open or non-monogamous relationships.
Therapy with me is for couples where both people want to repair the relationship. If the affair is still ongoing, we’ll need to address that before beginning couples therapy to rebuild trust.
If there is ongoing domestic violence in your relationship, couples therapy is not an appropriate service. Couples therapy asks both of you to speak honestly in session, and when one partner is being hurt or controlled at home, that honesty can create danger after the session ends. Individual therapy is a safer starting place.
Infidelity therapist & certified Gottman method couples therapist
I’m Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW
I’ve been a licensed therapist since 1988, and affair recovery has been a central part of my couples practice for more than two decades.
An affair is a crisis, and most couples who come to me have already spent months trying to resolve it on their own, leaving them feeling even more disconnected.
Infidelity creates a specific communication breakdown that good intentions alone often can’t fix. The betrayed partner may need to talk about what happened to process the betrayal, while the unfaithful partner may shut down out of guilt, shame, or defensiveness.
When couples try to resolve the damage caused by the affair without outside help, those conversations can reinforce the same difficulties rather than resolve them. I provide a research-supported, structured approach to helping couples repair their relationship after infidelity.
If the description on this page sounds like your relationship, I’d like to help.
Logistics
Pricing, scheduling, and online couples therapy sessions
All sessions are conducted by secure, HIPAA-compliant video. I work with couples throughout New York State, including New York City, Long Island, Westchester County, the Hudson Valley, Rochester, and surrounding communities.
Both partners must be physically located in a state where I’m authorized to practice at the time of each session.
Sessions are private pay, billed at $500 per hour and $750 for 90-minute sessions. Extended sessions (3+ hours) are available for couples who want to make faster progress.
I am not in-network with insurance and cannot bill them directly. For more information about pricing, please see the pricing page.
How to get started in couples therapy
To schedule your first appointment, please choose a day and time on my secure, HIPAA-compliant calendar using the button directly below.
After I approve your request, typically within one business day, you and your partner will receive new client forms via email, which you’ll both review and digitally sign before we meet.
Areas Served in New York state
I’m independently licensed in New York as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW #086198), and I provide couples therapy after infidelity throughout the state via secure, HIPAA-compliant video.
I work with couples in the following areas:
New York City, including Manhattan, Queens, the Bronx, and Staten Island.
Brooklyn, including Williamsburg, Park Slope, Brooklyn Heights, DUMBO, Carroll Gardens, and surrounding neighborhoods.
Long Island, including Nassau and Suffolk counties, Huntington, Garden City, Great Neck, Smithtown, Patchogue, Riverhead, and the Hamptons.
Westchester County, including White Plains, Scarsdale, Rye, New Rochelle, Yonkers, and surrounding communities.
The Hudson Valley, including Poughkeepsie, Beacon, Newburgh, Kingston, New Paltz, Rhinebeck, and Middletown.
Rochester, including Pittsford, Brighton, Penfield, Fairport, and surrounding communities.
I also work with couples throughout the rest of New York State, including:
The Capital Region: Albany, Schenectady, Troy, Saratoga Springs, and Glens Falls.
Central and Western New York: Syracuse, Buffalo, Niagara Falls, Utica, Rome, Auburn, Geneva, Canandaigua, Batavia, and Jamestown.
The Southern Tier: Binghamton, Ithaca, Elmira, Corning, and Oneonta.
The North Country: Plattsburgh, Watertown, Massena, and Ogdensburg.
You don’t have to live near a major city or travel to an office to work with me. As long as you and your partner are physically located in a state where I’m authorized to practice during your appointment, we can meet online.
Questions about couples therapy after infidelity in New York State
Frequently Asked Questions —
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You don’t necessarily need to be in New York, but both you and your partner must be physically located in a state where I’m authorized to practice at the time of each session.
I’m licensed or registered to provide therapy in Oregon, Washington, New York, Massachusetts, and Florida.
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No. My practice is fully online, so there’s no office to visit in New York City or anywhere else in New York State.
Every session takes place by secure, HIPAA-compliant video. Whether you live in Brooklyn, Rochester, Long Island, the Hudson Valley, or another part of the state, you can work with me without traveling to an office.
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You and your partner can join from separate locations, including different states, provided I’m authorized to practice in both states at the time of your appointment.
If one of you is traveling somewhere I’m not authorized to practice, we’ll need to reschedule for a time when you’re both in eligible locations.
Still Have Questions about Couples Therapy for Infidelity?
Contact me using the button below. I’ll respond within 2 business days.