Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist · AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist · Practicing Therapy Since 1988
Couples Therapy After Infidelity in Portland, Oregon
Online Couples Therapy For Oregon Couples After Infidelity, Betrayal, and Affairs in the Portland Metro Area
If you’re the partner who was betrayed…
When you first discovered your partner’s infidelity, you thought you knew what had happened. It was devastating, but at least you had some idea of what you were dealing with.
Then you learned there was more.
Maybe your partner initially told you the affair lasted a few weeks, but you later discovered it had been going on for months. Or they said they’d only kissed the other person, and you eventually found out they’d had sex.
And underneath all that anger, there’s deep hurt. You can’t stop wondering what your partner saw in the other person, what they had together, and why your partner was willing to risk your relationship for them. You hate that someone else has made you question whether you were enough.
Now you’re wondering what else you don’t know.
You’ve asked your partner to tell you everything, and they insist they have. But they’ve said that before. You remember how certain they sounded the last time they promised there was nothing more to tell.
And there’s something humiliating about realizing you believed them. You were furious and devastated, trying to understand how your partner could have done this. You asked questions you never imagined having to ask, listened to answers you could barely stand to hear, and tried to make sense of what happened. Now you’re finding out that even those painful conversations didn’t give you the whole truth.
When you ask another question, you listen carefully to their answer. If something sounds different from what they said before, you want to understand why. Sometimes your partner gets frustrated and says you’re asking the same things over and over. But you wouldn’t need to keep asking if the answers hadn’t kept changing.
You may find yourself going back through old messages, looking at dates, or trying to reconstruct when things happened. You’re exhausted by how much time you spend thinking about the affair, but you’re afraid that if you stop asking questions, you’ll never learn the whole truth.
What hurts especially is knowing that your partner saw how devastated you were when you first discovered the affair. They watched you struggle to understand what happened and decide whether you could stay together. And during that time, they were still keeping things from you.
You want to repair your relationship. But part of you is becoming afraid to let yourself believe your partner again. Every time you’ve started to feel a little more hopeful, another discovery has brought you right back to the beginning.
You want to know what really happened without having to uncover it piece by piece.
You need your partner to understand why these additional revelations have hurt you so deeply, and you want to be able to believe them when they tell you there’s nothing more you need to know.
If you’re the unfaithful partner…
You’ve seen how devastated your partner was when they discovered your infidelity. You know you caused that pain, and you wish you could undo what happened.
You’ve told your partner the affair is over and that you want to stay together. But you haven’t been completely honest about everything that happened.
Maybe you initially minimized how long the affair lasted or how emotionally involved you became. At the time, you were afraid that telling your partner everything would destroy any chance of repairing your relationship.
Now some of those details have come out, and your partner is even angrier than before.
You’re living with a sick feeling in your stomach, never quite knowing when another question will come or what your partner might discover.
When your phone pings or your partner says, “We need to talk,” you feel a rush of panic. You’re afraid of what they might have found out, how they’ll react, and whether this will be the moment they decide the relationship is over.
You can understand why they’re angry. But you also feel overwhelmed by their questions, especially when they ask about things you’re ashamed of or details you know will be painful for them to hear.
Sometimes you’re afraid to answer because you don’t know how your partner will react. You worry they’ll decide they can’t forgive you, or that one more painful detail will be the reason they leave.
And there may be things you’ve avoided telling them because you can barely stand to think about them yourself.
You’re ashamed of the decisions you made, and you dread seeing the disgust, fury, and shock on your partner’s face when they learn what else you did.
When your partner asks whether there’s anything else you haven’t told them, you know why they need to ask. But you may also feel frustrated that every conversation seems to return to what you did. You want them to see that you’re trying to repair the relationship, even though you’ve made that harder by withholding information.
You may be angry with yourself for how you handled the disclosure. You thought you were preventing more hurt, but now your partner believes they can’t trust anything you say.
You want to be honest with your partner without feeling that every answer could end your relationship.
You need help facing what happened, answering difficult questions, and taking responsibility for the information you withheld, so your partner can begin believing that you’re no longer keeping important things from them.
Hope after infidelity
Having these conversations on your own is incredibly difficult.
There’s so much anger, fear, shame, and hurt that even when you both want to understand each other, emotions often quickly become overwhelming.
One of you may start asking questions faster than the other can answer, while the other becomes defensive or shuts down. You can spend hours talking and end up feeling even worse than when you started.
In couples therapy, I’ll help you work through the questions that still need answers.
When the betrayed partner asks something like “How could you do this to me?” I’ll help them put words to the hurt, disbelief, or anger underneath the question so that their partner can understand and acknowledge what they’re feeling.
I’ll also help the betrayed partner ask more specific questions that their partner can answer, rather than leaving both of them frustrated by a question that has no satisfying response.
I’ll guide the unfaithful partner in talking honestly about what happened, including information they’ve been afraid or ashamed to disclose. If an answer is particularly upsetting, I’ll help the betrayed partner explain what they’re feeling and why the information hurts.
I’ll guide the unfaithful partner in listening, acknowledging that pain, and answering additional questions without becoming defensive or minimizing what happened. If something they disclose contradicts an earlier explanation, we’ll address that directly rather than leaving the betrayed partner to guess which version is true.
You can begin having conversations about the infidelity that lead to greater understanding rather than leaving you with more unanswered questions and more reasons to doubt each other.
How affair recovery works
How I help Portland couples repair their relationship after infidelity, betrayal, and affairs
When you come to couples therapy because of an affair, we won’t spend months discussing older relationship problems before addressing the betrayal. After our initial three-session assessment, we’ll begin working directly on the betrayal, the questions that still need answers, and the hurt it’s caused.
There’s a clinical reason for starting here, too. Even when you’re trying to talk about problems that existed before the affair, the betrayal can affect how you hear and respond to each other. We need to address what happened before we can work effectively on those older problems.
I’ll guide you through the betrayal recovery process in this order:
A three-session assessment
Repairing the betrayal and hurt caused by the affair
Repairing older hurts and vulnerabilities in the relationship
Finally, repairing your sexual relationship, once trust has had enough time to rebuild
Read more about the full process I take couples through after infidelity here →
How couples therapy can Change Your Relationship after infidelity
1. You can begin trusting your partner again and feel more certain about what’s real in your relationship.
During couples therapy, you’ll begin to get a clearer understanding of what happened during the infidelity. We’ll identify the questions that still need answers, address contradictions in what your partner has told you, and give you an opportunity to understand the parts of your shared history that now feel confusing or uncertain.
I’ll also help the unfaithful partner understand why withholding information has damaged more than your trust in their honesty. Each new disclosure can make you question what else you’ve misunderstood about your relationship. I’ll help them acknowledge that impact, correct earlier omissions, and take responsibility for giving you an honest account of what happened, including information they’re ashamed to share.
You can begin making sense of what happened in your relationship, with a more reliable understanding of the past and fewer unanswered questions. And as your partner becomes consistently honest, including when the truth is painful or embarrassing, you can begin rebuilding confidence that what they tell you now is something you can rely on.
2. You can talk about the infidelity without every conversation becoming an overwhelming argument.
I’ll teach you to recognize when anger, shame, or fear is making it difficult to listen to each other. When the betrayed partner becomes furious about something they’ve learned, we’ll work on expressing what’s hurting them and what they need their partner to understand. I’ll also show the unfaithful partner how to stay engaged, rather than becoming defensive, trying to explain away their behavior, or withdrawing from the conversation.
If one of you becomes so overwhelmed that you can no longer listen or respond thoughtfully, you’ll learn how to recognize when it’s time to take a break, how to reassure your partner that you’ll return to the discussion, and how to follow through. We’ll practice resuming difficult conversations without immediately returning to the same argument.
I’ll show you how to distinguish between questions that need answers, feelings that need acknowledgment, and disagreements that need more time to discuss. That way, you can address what’s upsetting you instead of spending hours arguing without understanding each other any better.
You can begin discussing painful parts of the infidelity without feeling that every conversation will spiral out of control. You’ll be better able to express anger and hurt, listen to each other, and return to difficult subjects without leaving them unresolved or feeling emotionally exhausted afterward.
3. If you’re the unfaithful partner, your hurt and dissatisfaction can be heard and taken seriously, too.
In therapy, I’ll help you express how your partner’s behavior hurt you, including things you may have struggled to communicate before the affair. I’ll help you explain what happened and how it affected you without suggesting that your partner was responsible for your decision to be unfaithful.
This makes it easier for your partner to hear what you’re saying without feeling blamed for the betrayal. They can begin to understand the impact of their behavior, take responsibility where they’ve hurt you, and offer meaningful apologies, even when you remember parts of your relationship differently.
You can receive genuine understanding and apologies for the pain you experienced, even though you were the partner who had the affair. You’ll also learn to express dissatisfaction and painful feelings directly, rather than withdrawing, avoiding difficult conversations, or keeping your unhappiness secret.
4. You can rebuild a sexual relationship that feels satisfying for both of you.
After we’ve addressed the infidelity and begun working through unresolved hurts in your relationship, we’ll turn more of our attention to your sexual connection.
As an AASECT-certified sex therapist, I’ll guide you through conversations about how the affair has affected your feelings about sex, including worries about comparison with the affair partner, changes in sexual desire, and difficulties that existed long before the infidelity.
We’ll examine what each of you needs to feel comfortable and sexually fulfilled. You’ll learn to talk more openly about desire, pleasure, and preferences, including things you may have been reluctant to discuss before. If you have different levels of sexual desire, we’ll work on finding ways to manage those differences without either partner feeling pressured or repeatedly rejected.
You can develop a more satisfying sexual relationship in which both partners feel comfortable expressing what they want and discussing what isn’t working. Whether you’ve continued having sex during recovery or taken a break, you can rebuild physical intimacy with greater understanding of each other’s needs.
Practicing the Gottman Method since 2000
I’ve been a therapist since 1988 and began studying with the Gottman Institute in 2000. I’ve been fully certified as a Gottman Method couples therapist and Gottman workshop leader since 2009.
The Gottman Method is grounded in decades of research with thousands of couples, including research on relationships affected by infidelity. The methods I use help couples understand why certain disagreements keep coming up, talk about painful subjects without making things worse, and repair the hurt that builds up when conversations go badly.
Gottman certification is a multi-year process. I completed all three levels of clinical training, then recorded my therapy sessions and submitted them to the Gottman Institute. Senior clinicians reviewed my work, provided feedback, and evaluated my ability to apply the method with couples.
I bring that training and clinical experience to my work with couples recovering from infidelity, helping them address the betrayal, rebuild trust, and work through difficulties in their relationship.
Who is a Good Fit for this Service?
I work with every form of infidelity: physical or emotional affairs, a secret online relationship or sexting, hidden pornography use or visits to strip clubs, secretly paying for sex, or a broken agreement in an open or non-monogamous relationship.
Therapy with me is for couples where both people want to repair the relationship.
If there is ongoing domestic violence in your relationship, couples therapy is not an appropriate service. Couples therapy asks both of you to speak honestly in session, and when one partner is being hurt or controlled at home, that honesty can create danger after the session ends. Individual therapy is a safer starting place.
Infidelity therapist & certified Gottman method couples therapist
I’m Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW
I’ve been a licensed therapist since 1988, and affair recovery has been a central part of my couples practice for more than two decades.
An affair is a crisis, and most couples who come to me have already spent months trying to resolve it on their own, leaving them feeling even more disconnected.
Infidelity creates a specific communication breakdown that good intentions alone often can’t fix. The betrayed partner may need to talk about what happened to process the betrayal, while the unfaithful partner may shut down out of guilt, shame, or defensiveness.
When couples try to resolve the damage caused by the affair without outside help, those conversations can reinforce the same difficulties rather than resolve them. I provide a research-supported, structured approach to helping couples repair their relationship after infidelity.
If the description on this page sounded like your relationship, I’d like to help.
Logistics
Pricing, scheduling, and online couples therapy sessions
All sessions are conducted by secure, HIPAA-compliant video. I work with couples in Portland and across Oregon.
Sessions are private pay, billed at $500 per hour and $750 for 90-minute sessions. Extended sessions (3+ hours) are available for couples who want to make faster progress. I am not in-network with insurance and cannot bill them directly. For more information about pricing, please see the pricing page.
How to get started in couples therapy
To schedule your first appointment, please choose a day and time on my secure, HIPAA-compliant calendar using the button directly below.
After I approve your request, typically within one business day, you and your partner will receive new client forms via email, which you’ll both review and digitally sign before we meet.
Areas Served in Portland, Oregon, and the Portland Metro Area
I’ve been independently licensed in Oregon as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW license #L1201) since 1988. I’m also licensed in Washington as a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker (LICSW license #SWI.LW.60698797), so I can provide couples therapy after infidelity via secure, HIPAA-compliant video on both sides of the Columbia River.
I work with couples throughout Portland and the surrounding metro area, including:
Northwest and Southwest Portland: Pearl District, Northwest District, South Waterfront, Hillsdale, and Multnomah.
Northeast and Southeast Portland: Irvington, Alameda, Grant Park, Laurelhurst, Mt. Tabor, Eastmoreland, and Sellwood-Moreland.
Washington County: Bethany, Cedar Mill, Beaverton, Tigard, Tualatin, Sherwood, Hillsboro, and Forest Grove.
South and southeast of Portland, including Clackamas County: Dunthorpe, Lake Oswego, West Linn, Wilsonville, Oregon City, Milwaukie, Stafford, and Happy Valley.
East Portland and surrounding communities: Gresham and Troutdale.
The Vancouver, Washington metro area: Vancouver, Felida, Camas, Ridgefield, Battle Ground, and Washougal.
All sessions are online, so you can attend from home or another private location.
If you’re anywhere in the Portland metro area, including the Washington side of the Columbia River, I can work with you.
Commonly Asked Questions about couples therapy for infidelity in Portland —
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When your partner has already withheld information, every new discovery can make it harder to believe anything they tell you. Even if they insist you now know everything, you have good reasons to question whether that’s true.
In therapy, I’ll work with your partner to address what they’ve withheld, correct earlier explanations, and understand the additional hurt their dishonesty has caused. We’ll make room for your questions and the feelings that come up when you learn something new. I’ll also teach your partner how to respond to your anger and disbelief without becoming defensive or pressuring you to move on.
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Yes. You don’t need to wait until the initial shock and anger have subsided. Many couples seek help while they’re still trying to understand what happened and decide how to get through the next few weeks.
We’ll begin with a three-session assessment to understand your relationship and what each of you needs. From there, we’ll address the betrayal directly, including questions that need answers and the hurt caused by the affair. You both need to want to attempt repairing the relationship, and the affair must have ended before we begin.
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I work exclusively through secure, HIPAA-compliant video. I don’t maintain an in-person therapy office in Portland.
You can attend together from the same private location or connect separately. I work with couples throughout Portland, the surrounding metro area, and across Oregon and Washington.
Still Have Questions about Couples Therapy for Infidelity?
Contact me using the button below. I’ll respond within 2 business days.