Couples Therapy for Mismatched Sexual Desire & Desire Discrepancy ● AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist ● Practicing Therapy Since 1988
Sex Therapy for Portland, Oregon Couples with Differences in Sexual Desire
Online sex therapy for Oregon couples in Portland and across the Portland metro area
Mismatched sexual desire: Sex therapy for Portland, Oregon couples with resentment about sex
You and your partner still enjoy each other. You trade stories about your day over dinner, you plan weekend hikes in the Gorge or skiing at Mt. Hood together, and your friends see the two of you as a solid couple. But one of you wants sex more often than the other does, and over time, the difference in sexual desire has turned into resentment on both sides.
If you’re the partner who wants less sex, you feel pressured when sex comes up, and you’re frustrated that one answer about sex can change the mood for the whole evening. You resent that a no to sex can sound like a no to the whole relationship, because you still love your partner and want to stay together.
If you’re the partner who wants more sex, you used to look forward to bringing up sex. After hearing no more often than yes, you feel rejected, and you’ve stopped looking forward to bedtime. On some nights, you feel alone in your own bed, even with your partner lying next to you.
Lately, the two of you have talked about opening the relationship. One of you has wondered whether sex with other people would ease the pressure at home. You aren’t sure opening up would help, though, and one or both of you worry that an open relationship would create new problems, such as jealousy, while the difference in sexual desire between you stays the same.
Desire discrepancy is the clinical name for an ongoing difference in how much sex two partners want.
Resentment about sex can ease with the right help. There’s hope. With sex therapy, many couples start enjoying sex together again, and the two of you can, too.
Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW | AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist & Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist
I help Portland couples work through resentment and enjoy sex together again.
I’ve spent more than fifteen years helping couples understand what’s contributing to their differences in sexual desire and address the sexual and relationship difficulties affecting them.
As a sex therapist certified by AASECT, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists, I treat low desire, mismatched desire, and other problems with sex, and I work with monogamous couples and with couples in open or polyamorous relationships.
As a certified Gottman Method couples therapist, I help partners replace criticism and defensiveness with calmer ways to raise a complaint, using an approach built on research with couples.
I also train other therapists, as an AASECT Approved Supervisor and a Gottman Method trainer, and I combine sex therapy with the Gottman Method throughout our sessions.
I see the two of you together because I want to understand both partners’ experiences, including the resentment that has developed around sex. I’ll assess what’s contributing to your different levels of desire, including concerns involving sexual pleasure, arousal, physical health, and your relationship.
I’ll also help each of you understand what your partner has been experiencing, so we can address the resentment alongside the sexual concerns that need treatment.
Here’s what you can expect from me as your sex therapist:
We talk about sex directly, in plain words, and sex stays at the center of our sessions.
I’ll use what I learn during our assessment to recommend treatment suited to your relationship. That may involve addressing difficulties with pleasure or arousal, working through relationship concerns, or using structured touch exercises when they’re appropriate. We’ll choose an approach that respects both partners’ comfort and sexual interests.
I take both of your experiences seriously, whether you’re the partner who wants more sex or the partner who wants less. The partner who wants more sex won’t be told that wanting sex is the problem, and the partner who wants less sex won’t be asked to say yes when they don’t want to. Together, we work toward sex you both look forward to.
We meet by secure video, and you’ll both need to be in Oregon during each session.
How your relationship changes after sex therapy with me
Without the right support, resentment about the sexual desire difference on both sides can grow.
In our first sessions, I help each of you describe the resentment without blaming or accusing your partner. As we uncover the core issue beneath the conflict, many people are surprised by what they hear from their partner.
For example, the partner who wants more sex might say that sex helps them feel wanted and loved. The partner who wants less sex might say that they want to feel accepted and valued, including on nights when they say no.
Once each of you understands what sex means to your partner, the topics of sex and the relationship get easier to talk about. You might decide to stay monogamous, or you might decide to open the relationship with agreements the two of you made together.
Either way, you make the decision together, at a pace both of you agree on.
I’ll also assess the sexual concerns that may be contributing to your differences in desire, including difficulties with arousal, pleasure, physical comfort, or other factors affecting your interest in sex.
Based on what we discover, I’ll recommend treatment that addresses your particular concerns. Structured touch exercises may be useful when physical affection has become difficult, while other couples need treatment focused on sexual satisfaction, health-related concerns, or relationship difficulties.
At our next session, we talk about how the week went, and if a step went badly, I help you work out what got in the way and change the plan.
For example, if the two of you planned an evening of physical affection without an expectation of sex, and an old argument about sex started halfway through the evening, we might look at what started the argument and plan a shorter evening for the next week. Then we choose the next step together.
If you’re the partner who wants more sex, you can feel less alone in your relationship. You can bring up sexual intimacy without starting a fight, and feel that your desire for sex matters to your partner. You can enjoy sexual experiences that feel mutually wanted and satisfying, with a better understanding of how your partner experiences desire.
If you’re the partner who wants less sex, you can express your sexual interests and limits without feeling that you’re disappointing your partner. You can enjoy intimacy that reflects your own pleasure and preferences, whether that involves more sexual activity, different kinds of intimacy, or changes to what you already share.
The resentment between you can ease as both of you experience a sexual relationship that takes your needs seriously.
The resentment between you eases, and the two of you feel like a team again. On some Saturdays, after a morning walk at Mt. Tabor, the two of you come home and go to bed together.
Who is a good fit for sex therapy for Couples with desire discrepancy?
Sex therapy for desire discrepancy works best when both partners attend sessions and both want a more satisfying sex life together.
You don’t have to agree on what caused the desire gap or feel equally motivated to close it. You only need to be willing to try.
I also work with couples where one or both partners are autistic and/or have ADHD, and LGBTQIA+ and polyamorous or open-relationship couples and individuals, since standard sex therapy frameworks were built on neurotypical, heterosexual, monogamous, cisgendered assumptions that don’t fit every relationship.
If there’s ongoing domestic violence in your relationship, sex therapy isn’t the right starting place; individual therapy is safer.
A certified sex therapist and couples therapist with more than 15 years treating differences in sexual desire
I’m Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW
I’ve been a therapist since 1988, and for more than 15 years, I’ve helped couples whose differences in sexual desire have become a source of frustration, hurt, or uncertainty about their relationship.
As both an AASECT-certified sex therapist and a Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist, I bring two areas of specialized training to your treatment. I can assess how sexual desire, arousal, physical health, sexual satisfaction, and relationship difficulties influence one another, including concerns that aren’t immediately obvious to either partner.
Couples can spend years trying to improve their sexual relationship without understanding why their desires differ. I’ll help you identify what’s contributing to the problem and address those issues so you can build a sexual relationship that feels satisfying to both of you.
If the description on this page sounded like your relationship, I’d like to help.
Logistics
Pricing, scheduling, and online sex therapy sessions
All sessions are conducted by secure, HIPAA-compliant video. I work with couples across across Portland and the Portland metro area.
Sessions are private pay, billed at $500 per hour and $750 for 90-minute sessions. Extended sessions (3+ hours) are available for couples who want to make faster progress.
I am not in-network with insurance and cannot bill them directly. For more information about pricing, please see the pricing page.
How to get started in sex therapy
To schedule your first appointment, please choose a day and time on my secure, HIPAA-compliant calendar using the button below.
After I approve your request, typically within one business day, you and your partner will receive new client forms via email, which you’ll both review and digitally sign before we meet.
Areas served in Portland, Oregon, and the Portland metro area
I’m licensed in Oregon as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW #L1201) and in Washington as a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker (LICSW #SWI.LW.60698797), so I can see couples by secure, HIPAA-compliant video on both sides of the Columbia River.
I work with couples throughout Portland and the surrounding metro area, including:
Northwest and Southwest Portland: Pearl District, Northwest District, South Waterfront, Hillsdale, and Multnomah.
Northeast and Southeast Portland: Irvington, Alameda, Grant Park, Laurelhurst, Mt. Tabor, Eastmoreland, and Sellwood-Moreland.
Washington County: Bethany, Cedar Mill, Beaverton, Tigard, Tualatin, Sherwood, Hillsboro, and Forest Grove.
South and southeast of Portland: Dunthorpe, Lake Oswego, West Linn, Wilsonville, Oregon City, Milwaukie, and Happy Valley.
East Portland and surrounding communities: Gresham and Troutdale.
The Vancouver, Washington metro area: Vancouver, Felida, Camas, Ridgefield, Battle Ground, and Washougal.
If you’re anywhere in the Portland metro area, including the Washington side of the Columbia River, I can work with you.
Common Questions About Sex Therapy for Portland, Oregon Couples with Desire Discrepancy —
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Yes. In our sessions, each of you gets time to describe what has built your resentment while your partner listens. Once each of you understands your partner’s side, we work on adding physical affection and sex back into your relationship at a pace you both agree on.
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I don’t push couples toward monogamy or toward an open relationship. I have experience working with couples in both kinds of relationships, so if that is a topic you want to address together, I’d be happy to facilitate the discussion.
In our sessions, we look at what each of you hopes opening up would change and what each of you worries about. Once the two of you understand the difference in sexual desire between you, you can make an informed decision together.
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Yes. For example, one of you can join from an office in Miami and the other from home. You’ll both sign on to the same secure video link.
Each of you will need a private space and a reliable internet connection.
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No. I’m not in-network with any insurance company, and I don’t provide Superbills for couples sessions. You’re welcome to use your HSA or FSA card for our sessions.
Still have Questions about sex therapy for desire discrepancy?
Please contact me using the button below. I will respond within 2 business days.