Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist · AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist · Practicing Therapy Since 1988
Couples Therapy After Infidelity on Long Island, New York
Online couples therapy after affairs and infidelity for New York couples in Nassau and Suffolk Counties
If you’re the partner who was betrayed…
You found out about the affair recently. Your partner tells you it’s over, but you’re still trying to absorb what happened. And now you have another problem: the person your partner had an affair with lives nearby, knows some of your friends, or is someone you might run into during an ordinary day.
You wonder whether you’ve already been in the same room with this person without knowing who they were. Maybe you talked to them at a party, stood next to them at a school event, or smiled and said hello while they knew something about your relationship that you didn’t.
That possibility makes you feel sick.
You keep thinking about the people who might have known. Did anyone notice what was happening? Did your friends suspect something? Were people talking about your partner and the affair while you were sitting beside them, completely unaware?
You’re angry with your partner, but there’s also a humiliation that’s difficult to explain. You feel exposed. You wonder how many people know intimate details about your relationship and whether they’ve been looking at you differently.
Even leaving the house feels different now. You think twice about going to your usual grocery store or accepting an invitation to dinner. You imagine turning a corner and seeing the affair partner standing there. Would your partner freeze? Would the other person try to speak to you? Would you be able to keep yourself from crying or getting angry in front of everyone?
And then you start thinking about all the places your partner might have been with this person, from restaurants you’ve eaten at together to streets you drive down every day. You wonder whether they went to places that were special to the two of you, and whether your partner still thinks about the affair when you pass those places together.
Your partner says the affair is over and wants you to believe that you can move forward. But right now, you don’t even know how to go back to your ordinary life without wondering who knew, where they met, or whether you might see the other person again.
If you’re the unfaithful partner…
You ended the affair recently, and you want to repair your relationship. But the person you had the affair with lives nearby, knows some of your friends, or is someone you might see again during an ordinary day. You can end the relationship, but you can’t guarantee you’ll never cross paths.
Your partner wants to know what you’ll do if you see this person again. Will you speak to them? Will you tell your partner afterward? What if you’re together when it happens? You understand why they’re asking, but you’re afraid that no answer will make them feel safe.
You’ve started noticing how much the affair has changed your partner’s everyday life. They ask who’s going to a gathering before agreeing to attend. They become anxious about going somewhere you’ve visited many times together. You remember how comfortable they used to be with these people and places, and you feel ashamed knowing your decisions have made them afraid of an unexpected encounter.
There are questions you’re dreading, too. Did any of your friends know about the affair? Did you ever bring the other person somewhere you and your partner used to go together? Did you talk about your relationship with people who knew both of you? You know your partner deserves honest answers, but you’re afraid of how much more hurt those answers could cause.
Sometimes you become defensive when your partner asks about places you’ve been or people you’ve seen. You’ve ended the affair, and you haven’t contacted the other person since. You want your partner to recognize that you’re trying to do the right thing now. But when they ask whether you might see the affair partner at an upcoming event, you hear it as another accusation that you can’t be trusted.
You’re anxious about running into the affair partner, too. You may find yourself scanning the room when you enter a restaurant or wondering whether they’ll show up at a gathering with mutual friends. You dread the possibility of seeing them unexpectedly, especially when you’re with your partner. What if the other person approaches you? What if your partner notices you looking uncomfortable? You worry that even a moment of surprise or anxiety will be interpreted as evidence that you still have feelings for the affair partner. And you’re afraid of watching your partner become upset or humiliated in front of other people because of something you did.
You want your partner to feel comfortable going out with you again. But you’re beginning to understand that ending the affair doesn’t immediately give them back the sense of safety they had before they discovered it.
Hope after infidelity
When an affair has only recently ended, you may still be struggling to understand what happened. And if the affair partner lives nearby or shares some of your friends, there’s another painful realization: you might see this person again, even when you’re trying to repair your relationship.
For the betrayed partner, the thought of an unexpected encounter can bring up anger, humiliation, and fear. You may imagine what it would feel like to come face-to-face with someone who knew about the affair while you were completely unaware. You might also wonder how your own partner would react to seeing them.
The partner who had the affair may dread that encounter just as much. You worry about how you’ll react, what the affair partner might say, and how your partner will interpret even a moment of discomfort. You know that an unexpected encounter could be painful for your partner, and you’re afraid of making things worse.
In therapy, I’ll help you talk through those fears before you’re faced with an unexpected encounter. We’ll discuss what contact has ended, what situations might bring you into the same place as the affair partner, and what each of you would need to feel more comfortable. If you do encounter the other person, you’ll have already talked about how to respond, whether to leave, and how to discuss what happened afterward.
We’ll also address the humiliation and uncertainty that can come from sharing friends or social spaces with the affair partner. If other people knew about the affair, I’ll help you talk honestly about what happened and decide together how you want to handle those relationships. You won’t have to make every decision about your social life immediately.
Rebuilding trust won’t require pretending you’ll never see the affair partner again. It will require the partner who had the affair to be honest about contact, respect the agreements you make together, and follow through even when their partner isn’t present. Over time, those actions can help the betrayed partner feel more comfortable returning to places and activities they’ve begun avoiding.
How affair recovery works
How I help Long Island couples repair their relationship after infidelity, betrayal, and affairs
When you come to couples therapy because of an affair, we won’t spend months discussing older relationship problems before addressing the betrayal. After our initial three-session assessment, we’ll begin working directly on the affair, the questions that still need answers, and the hurt it’s caused.
There’s a clinical reason for starting here, too. Even when you’re trying to talk about problems that existed before the affair, the betrayal can affect how you hear and respond to each other. We need to address what happened before we can work effectively on those older problems.
I’ll guide you through the recovery process in this order:
A three-session assessment
Repairing the betrayal and hurt caused by the affair
Repairing older hurts and vulnerabilities in the relationship
Giving your sexual relationship more focused attention after addressing the betrayal and older relationship hurts
Read more about the full process I take couples through after infidelity here →
How Couples therapy after infidelity can change your relationship
With Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW | Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist & AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist
You may have spent the past few weeks arguing about places you used to enjoy going together, friends you used to trust, or what would happen if you unexpectedly saw the affair partner. The partner who was betrayed feels anxious about going to familiar places without knowing who might be there. The partner who had the affair feels ashamed of what happened and worries that an unexpected encounter could cause even more hurt.
In therapy, I’ll help you have the conversations you’re struggling to manage at home. I’ll help the betrayed partner ask the questions they need answered about what happened and who knew about the affair. I’ll also help the unfaithful partner answer honestly, discuss difficult situations without becoming defensive, and understand why their partner needs more than reassurance that the affair is over.
Here’s what can change in your relationship as we work together:
For the betrayed partner, you can get the answers you need to understand what happened and trust your own judgment again.
Since discovering the affair, you may have started thinking differently about people and places that used to feel familiar. You remember dinners with friends, neighborhood gatherings, or conversations with people who knew both you and your partner. Now you wonder who knew about the affair, what they might have noticed, and whether anyone was keeping something from you.
In session, you can ask the questions you need answered. When did the affair begin? Which friends knew? Were you ever in the same room with the affair partner without knowing what was happening? Did your partner bring the other person to places you regularly visited together? I help your partner answer directly, including questions they’ve previously avoided out of fear or shame. When your partner becomes defensive, minimizes what happened, or tries to change the subject, I intervene and bring the conversation back to the question you asked.
We’ll also talk about the people who knew about the affair. If you’ve learned that friends or acquaintances were aware of what was happening, you may wonder whether you can trust them again. I’ll help you and your partner discuss what those people knew, whether anyone helped conceal the affair, and how that information affects your decisions about those relationships.
You may find yourself questioning your judgment. You trusted your partner, felt comfortable around certain friends, and never imagined that someone you might see at an ordinary social gathering could be involved in an affair with your partner. I’ll help you understand what was happening at the time without treating your inability to recognize a concealed relationship as a failure of judgment.
You may still need to ask certain questions more than once, especially when something reminds you of the affair or you learn new information about who knew. I help your partner understand why you need those answers, rather than treating your questions as accusations or expecting you to move on. As your partner continues to answer honestly and follows through on the agreements you make together, you can begin to feel more confident that what they’re telling you is true.
If you’re the unfaithful partner, your hurt and dissatisfaction can be heard and taken seriously, too.
You may feel tremendous shame about your decision to have an affair while also feeling angry about how your partner treated you. And you may worry that whenever you describe something hurtful they did, the conversation will return to your infidelity, and your complaints will never receive serious attention.
In therapy, I’ll help you express how your partner’s behavior hurt you, including things you may have struggled to communicate before the affair. I’ll help you explain what happened and how it affected you without suggesting that your partner was responsible for your decision to be unfaithful.
This makes it easier for your partner to hear what you’re saying without feeling blamed for the affair. They can begin to understand the impact of their behavior, take responsibility where they’ve hurt you, and offer meaningful apologies, even when you remember parts of your relationship differently.
You can receive genuine understanding and apologies for the pain you experienced, even though you were the partner who had the affair. You’ll also learn how to express dissatisfaction and painful feelings directly, rather than withdrawing, avoiding difficult conversations, or keeping your unhappiness secret.
If you’re the unfaithful partner, you can learn to answer difficult questions without shutting down or becoming defensive.
You want to repair your relationship, but your partner keeps asking questions about people you both know and places you’ve been. Did your friends know about the affair? Did you take the affair partner somewhere you and your partner used to go together? What would you do if you unexpectedly saw that person again? You feel ashamed of what happened, and you’re afraid that answering honestly will give your partner even more reasons to feel hurt or humiliated.
In session, I help you recognize when shame or anxiety is making it difficult to answer your partner’s questions. You may be tempted to say you don’t remember, argue that a particular detail doesn’t matter, or insist that the affair is over and there’s nothing more to discuss. I help you answer the question directly instead of deciding for your partner which details they should care about.
Over time, your partner can see that you’re willing to have these conversations, even when they’re painful. Instead of relying on another apology or promise that things will be different, you demonstrate your commitment by answering honestly, listening without arguing, and taking responsibility for what happened.
You can talk about the affair, even when you’re both angry or hurt, without every conversation turning into a fight.
An invitation to dinner with friends can turn into an argument before you’ve even decided whether to go. The betrayed partner asks who else will be there and whether anyone knew about the affair. The unfaithful partner says they don’t know who’s coming and becomes frustrated by the questions. Before long, one of you is accusing the other of keeping secrets, while the other insists they haven’t done anything wrong since ending the affair.
In session, I help you recognize when a conversation is starting to escalate and show you how to stop an argument before it gets worse. I help the betrayed partner explain what they’re actually afraid of: walking into a room where other people know intimate details about their relationship, seeing the affair partner unexpectedly, or feeling humiliated in front of friends. I also help the unfaithful partner hear those fears without immediately defending themselves. You learn to bring up concerns without criticism or accusations, listen without arguing back, and stay focused on the issue you’re trying to resolve.
When either of you becomes too overwhelmed to continue, I teach you how to take a break without leaving the other person feeling abandoned or dismissed. You agree on when to resume the conversation, and you follow through. At home, this means you can bring up something painful, work through the disagreement, and return to your evening together instead of spending hours fighting or going to bed without speaking.
You can decide together when and how to resume sexual intimacy after the affair.
You may miss being physically close to your partner, even though the affair ended only recently and you’re still struggling with what happened. You might want to kiss them or curl up together on the couch, only to find yourself wondering whether they were doing the same things with the affair partner. A familiar touch can suddenly remind you of something you wish you didn’t know.
For the partner who had the affair, initiating affection can feel uncertain, too. You may worry that touching your partner will upset them or make them think about the affair. You want to show them you still love and desire them, but you’re afraid that even an affectionate gesture could make things worse.
As an AASECT-certified sex therapist, I help you talk openly about those concerns without either partner feeling pressured to have sex before they’re ready. We’ll discuss what kinds of affection feel comfortable right now, how to initiate physical contact without assuming it will lead to sex, and how to respond when one of you isn’t interested without turning that moment into another argument.
You can begin enjoying physical affection again at a pace that feels comfortable for both of you, knowing that physical affection doesn’t have to lead to sex and that saying no won’t automatically create distance between you. When you’re both ready for sexual intimacy, you’ll have a clearer understanding of what each of you wants, what feels uncomfortable, and how to talk about those differences.
Who is a Good Fit for this Service?
I work with every form of infidelity: physical or emotional affairs, a secret online relationship or sexting, hidden pornography use or visits to strip clubs, secretly paying for sex, or a broken agreement in an open or non-monogamous relationship.
Therapy with me is for couples where both people want to repair the relationship.
If there is ongoing domestic violence in your relationship, couples therapy is not an appropriate service. Individual therapy is a safer starting place.
Infidelity therapist & certified Gottman method couples therapist
I’m Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW
I’ve been a licensed therapist since 1988, and affair recovery has been a central part of my couples practice for more than two decades.
An affair is a crisis, and most couples who come to me have already spent months trying to resolve it on their own, leaving them feeling even more disconnected.
Infidelity creates a specific communication breakdown that good intentions can’t fix. The betrayed partner often needs to talk to process what happened; the unfaithful partner can shut down out of guilt, shame, or defensiveness.
Attempts to resolve the damage caused by the affair without outside intervention reinforce that breakdown rather than interrupt it. I provide a research-supported structure of repairing your relationship after infidelity.
If the description on this page sounds like your relationship, I’d like to help.
Logistics
Pricing, scheduling, and online Couples Therapy sessions
All sessions are conducted by secure, HIPAA-compliant video. I work with couples across Long Island and all of New York.
Sessions are private pay, billed at $500 per hour and $750 for 90-minute sessions. Extended sessions (3+ hours) are available for couples who want to make faster progress.
I am not in-network with insurance and cannot bill them directly. For more information about pricing, please see the pricing page.
How to get started in couples therapy
To schedule your first appointment, please choose a day and time on my secure, HIPAA-compliant calendar by clicking the button below.
After I approve your request, typically within one business day, you and your partner will receive new client forms via email, which you’ll both review and digitally sign before we meet.
Areas Served on Long Island
I’m licensed in New York as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW #086198), and I provide online couples therapy after infidelity throughout Nassau and Suffolk Counties.
In Nassau County, this includes Garden City, Great Neck, Manhasset, Port Washington, Roslyn, Mineola, Rockville Centre, Long Beach, Merrick, Bellmore, Massapequa, Syosset, and surrounding communities.
In Suffolk County, I work with couples in Huntington, Cold Spring Harbor, Dix Hills, Commack, Smithtown, Hauppauge, Northport, Stony Brook, Port Jefferson, Patchogue, Bay Shore, Islip, Sayville, Riverhead, and communities throughout the Hamptons and the North Fork.
You don’t need to travel to an office for appointments. You and your partner can also attend from separate locations, as long as you’re both physically located in New York State during your session.
Common Questions about couples therapy after infidelity on Long Island —
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Finding out that someone you know was aware of the affair can be devastating. You may remember sitting across from that person at dinner, talking about your life, or spending time together as couples while they knew something about your relationship that you didn’t.
You might feel angry that nobody told you, embarrassed about what they knew, or unsure whether you want to see those people again.
In therapy, I’ll help you talk with your partner about who knew, what they were told, and whether anyone helped conceal the affair. We’ll also discuss how those discoveries have affected your friendships and what you would need to know before deciding whether to continue those relationships.
You don’t have to pretend those friendships are unchanged or make immediate decisions about whom you’ll continue seeing.
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When the affair has only recently ended, the possibility of unexpectedly seeing the other person can be frightening for both partners.
The betrayed partner may be afraid of becoming upset or humiliated in public. The unfaithful partner may worry about how they’ll react and whether even a moment of surprise will be interpreted as evidence that they still have feelings for the other person.
I’ll help you discuss those fears before an encounter happens. We’ll talk about whether contact has ended, how you’ll respond if the affair partner approaches either of you, and whether you’d prefer to leave the situation.
We’ll also discuss how to talk about an encounter afterward so that neither of you is left wondering what the other person was thinking or feeling.
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Knowing that the affair partner lives nearby or shares part of your social circle can make it harder to believe that the relationship is truly over. Even if your partner tells you they haven’t had contact, you may wonder whether they could see the other person without your knowledge.
In therapy, I’ll help you discuss what contact has ended, what boundaries your partner is willing to maintain, and how they’ll handle situations where an unexpected encounter is possible.
I’ll also help the partner who had the affair understand why reassurance alone may not be enough. Rebuilding trust requires honest answers and consistent follow-through, especially when their partner isn’t present to see what happens.
Over time, you can begin feeling more confident about your partner’s decisions without needing to know where they are or who they’re with every moment.
Still Have Questions about Couples Therapy for Infidelity?
Contact me using the button below. I’ll respond within 2 business days.