Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist · AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist · Practicing Therapy Since 1988
Couples Therapy After Infidelity in Brooklyn, New York
Online couples therapy after affairs and infidelity for New York couples in Brooklyn, New York
If you’re the partner who was betrayed…
Your partner says they love you and want to repair your relationship. But you keep coming back to the same question: if they wanted to be with you, why did they choose someone else?
You find yourself comparing yourself to the affair partner, even when you don’t want to. You wonder what your partner found attractive about them and whether there was something they offered that you couldn’t. You may have looked at their social media photos more times than you want to admit, searching for something that would help you understand why this happened.
Before the affair, you didn’t think twice about getting dressed in the morning or catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. Now you notice things about your appearance that never bothered you before. You wonder whether your partner was looking at you differently during the affair, comparing you to the other person without your knowledge.
And it’s not only about physical attraction. You wonder why your partner was willing to risk the life you’ve built together, and whether your relationship meant as much to them as it did to you.
Your partner tells you that the affair wasn’t about anything you lacked. You want to believe that, but the reassurance doesn’t answer the question. If you were enough, why did they risk losing you?
It’s also difficult to accept affection from your partner now. When they compliment you or initiate sex, you wonder whether they’re genuinely attracted to you or just trying to make you feel better. You may want to be close to them and still find yourself pulling away when they touch you.
You want to repair your relationship, but you don’t want to spend the rest of it wondering whether your partner would rather be with someone else.
If you’re the unfaithful partner…
You ended the affair, and you want to repair your relationship. But when you look at your partner and see how much you’ve hurt them, you feel ashamed of what you did.
Your partner keeps asking why you chose someone else. You may have been unhappy about things in your relationship for a long time, or you may be just as bewildered by your decision to have an affair as your partner is. You’re still trying to understand how it happened yourself, and when your partner asks why they weren’t enough, you don’t know what to say. You know there are things about your relationship that need attention, but you also know your partner didn’t make the decision to have an affair. You did.
You used to be someone your partner trusted. Now they question your compliments, your affection, and whether you really want to be with them. When you tell them they’re beautiful or that you love them, you see the doubt on their face. You mean what you say, but you understand why they have trouble believing you.
Sometimes you’re so ashamed that you struggle to look your partner in the eye when they talk about the affair. You want to listen, but hearing how much pain you’ve caused makes you feel terrible about yourself. You may start crying, go quiet, or say something about how much you hate what you’ve done. Before you know it, your partner is comforting you when they’re the one who came to you hurting.
Other times, you get defensive. You’ve apologized, you’ve ended the affair, and you’re trying to show your partner that you want to stay. But when they ask why they weren’t enough, you feel helpless because you can’t give them an answer that takes away the pain.
You want your partner to feel loved and wanted again. You’re afraid that no matter how much you apologize or try to make things right, they’ll always see you as the person who chose someone else.
Hope after Infidelity
After an affair, the betrayed partner may start questioning everything about themselves. You wonder whether you were attractive enough, attentive enough, or important enough to your partner. Even when your partner insists the affair wasn’t about something you lacked, you may have trouble believing them.
The partner who had the affair may be struggling, too. You feel ashamed of what you did, and hearing how much you’ve hurt your partner can be almost unbearable. You want to make things right, but sometimes your guilt takes over the conversation. Instead of answering your partner’s questions, you end up talking about how terrible you feel.
I’ll help the partner who was betrayed talk about the rejection and self-doubt they’ve been experiencing, without treating those feelings as evidence that something was wrong with them. We’ll also examine what was happening in your relationship before the affair, without making either partner responsible for the other’s decision to be unfaithful.
For the partner who had the affair, I’ll help you take responsibility without becoming so overwhelmed by shame that your partner ends up comforting you. You’ll learn to hear how the affair affected your partner, answer difficult questions, and respond to their hurt without making the conversation about your own guilt.
You may not believe your partner’s compliments or reassurances right now. Rebuilding trust will take more than hearing that you’re loved and wanted. We’ll work on what your partner can do consistently, both in our sessions and at home, so their actions begin to support what they’re telling you.
How affair recovery works
How I help Brooklyn couples repair their relationship after infidelity, betrayal, and affairs
When you come to couples therapy because of an affair, we won’t spend months discussing older relationship problems before addressing the betrayal. After our initial three-session assessment, we’ll begin working directly on the affair, the questions that still need answers, and the hurt it’s caused.
There’s a clinical reason for starting here, too. Even when you’re trying to talk about problems that existed before the affair, the betrayal can affect how you hear and respond to each other. We need to address what happened before we can work effectively on those older problems.
I’ll guide you through the recovery process in this order:
A three-session assessment
Repairing the betrayal and hurt caused by the affair
Repairing older hurts and vulnerabilities in the relationship
Giving your sexual relationship more focused attention after addressing the betrayal and older relationship hurts
Read more about the full process I take couples through after infidelity here →
How Couples therapy after infidelity can change your relationship
With Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW | Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist & AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist
After an affair, even a simple conversation about your relationship can become painful. The partner who was betrayed asks whether they’re still loved or wanted. The partner who had the affair tries to reassure them, but those reassurances may lead to more questions. One of you ends up feeling rejected, while the other feels ashamed and helpless.
In therapy, I’ll help you have these conversations, even when the feelings are difficult to manage. I’ll help the betrayed partner explain what they need to hear and understand, and I’ll help the unfaithful partner respond honestly without becoming defensive or expecting their partner to make them feel better.
Here’s what can change in your relationship as we work together:
For the betrayed partner, you can get the answers you need to understand what happened and trust your own judgment again.
Since discovering the affair, you may have spent hours comparing yourself to the other person. You wonder what your partner found attractive about them, whether they enjoyed being with that person more than being with you, and whether they were thinking about the affair partner during moments when you believed the two of you were happy together.
In session, you can ask the questions you need answered. What attracted your partner to the other person? What were they thinking when they decided to have an affair? Were they unhappy with you or with your relationship? I help your partner answer directly, including questions they’ve previously avoided out of fear or shame. When your partner becomes defensive, minimizes what happened, or tries to change the subject, I intervene and bring the conversation back to the question you asked.
We’ll also talk about what was happening in your relationship before the affair. Your partner may have had complaints or resentments they never discussed with you, or they may be struggling to understand their own behavior. I’ll help you examine those circumstances without turning them into a list of things you should have done differently to prevent the affair.
You may find yourself questioning your judgment about the relationship. You believed your partner loved you and wanted to be with you, and now you wonder whether you misunderstood how they felt. I’ll help you ask your partner about those moments when everything seemed fine between you, so you can better understand what was happening without having to guess what they were thinking or feeling.
You may still need to ask certain questions more than once. I help your partner understand why those answers matter, rather than treating your questions as an accusation or expecting you to move on. As your partner continues to answer honestly and follows through on the agreements you make together, you can begin to feel more confident that what they’re telling you is true.
If you’re the unfaithful partner, your hurt and dissatisfaction can be heard and taken seriously, too.
You may feel tremendous shame about your decision to have an affair while also feeling angry about how your partner treated you. And you may worry that whenever you describe something hurtful they did, the conversation will return to your infidelity, and your complaints will never receive serious attention.
In therapy, I’ll help you express how your partner’s behavior hurt you, including things you may have struggled to communicate before the affair. I’ll help you explain what happened and how it affected you without suggesting that your partner was responsible for your decision to be unfaithful.
This makes it easier for your partner to hear what you’re saying without feeling blamed for the affair. They can begin to understand the impact of their behavior, take responsibility where they’ve hurt you, and offer meaningful apologies, even when you remember parts of your relationship differently.
You can receive genuine understanding and apologies for the pain you experienced, even though you were the partner who had the affair. You’ll also learn how to express dissatisfaction and painful feelings directly, rather than withdrawing, avoiding difficult conversations, or keeping your unhappiness secret.
If you’re the unfaithful partner, you can learn to answer difficult questions without shutting down or becoming defensive.
You want to repair your relationship, but when your partner tells you how rejected or unattractive they feel because of the affair, you’re overwhelmed by shame. You might start crying, go silent, or tell your partner how terrible you feel about what you did. Before long, the conversation becomes about your guilt rather than the hurt your partner was trying to explain.
In session, I’ll help you recognize when shame is making it difficult to listen and guide you through answering your partner’s questions without withdrawing or becoming defensive. You learn to hear how the affair has affected their confidence and sense of being wanted, without immediately trying to reassure them, explain yourself, or ask them to stop bringing it up.
Over time, your partner can see that you’re willing to have these conversations, even when they’re painful. Instead of relying on another apology or promise that things will be different, you demonstrate your commitment by answering honestly, listening without arguing, and taking responsibility for what happened.
You can talk about the affair, even when you’re both angry or hurt, without every conversation turning into a fight.
You may be afraid your partner no longer finds you attractive, especially if your appearance has changed as you’ve gotten older or become parents. But admitting that fear feels vulnerable, so instead of saying it directly, you make a sarcastic comment about the “hot” affair partner, or accuse them of wishing you looked more like the affair partner. Your partner gets defensive, insisting that’s not how they feel, and the conversation becomes another argument. You’re still left wondering whether they find you attractive.
In session, I’ll help you recognize when a conversation is starting to escalate and show you how to stop an argument before it gets worse. I help the betrayed partner express the fear or hurt underneath an accusation, so they can ask directly for what they need to understand. I also help the unfaithful partner hear that concern without immediately defending themselves. You learn to bring up concerns without criticism or contempt, listen without arguing back, and stay focused on one issue instead of bringing up every other disagreement you’ve had.
When either of you becomes too overwhelmed to continue, I teach you how to take a break without leaving the other person feeling abandoned or dismissed. You agree on when to resume the conversation, and you follow through. At home, this means you can bring up something painful, work through the disagreement, and return to your evening together instead of spending hours fighting or going to bed without speaking.
You can decide together when and how to resume sexual intimacy after the affair.
Having sex again after an affair can feel anxiety-producing for both of you. The betrayed partner may already be wondering whether they’re as attractive or desirable as the affair partner. After months of painful comparisons, accusations, or sarcastic comments about the affair partner’s appearance, being naked together can bring those fears right to the surface. Sex now feels like an opportunity to have their worst fears confirmed.
The partner who had the affair may be anxious, too. You worry that if you have trouble becoming aroused, seem distracted, or don’t respond the way your partner expects, they’ll assume it’s because you’re thinking about the affair partner or no longer find them attractive. What used to be a natural part of your relationship can now feel like a situation where either of you could be hurt all over again.
As an AASECT-certified sex therapist, I help you talk openly about those fears before you attempt sexual intimacy. We’ll discuss what each of you worries might happen, what would help you feel more comfortable, and how to respond if one of you becomes anxious or wants to stop. You can learn to talk about what happens during intimacy without turning an awkward or disappointing moment into another accusation or argument.
We also discuss what kinds of physical affection feel comfortable right now, how to initiate contact without assuming it will lead to sex, and how to respond when one of you isn’t interested without making the other person feel rejected.
You can begin enjoying physical affection again at a pace that feels comfortable for both of you, knowing that physical affection doesn’t have to lead to sex and that saying no won’t automatically create distance between you. When you’re both ready for sexual intimacy, you’ll have a clearer understanding of what each of you wants, what feels uncomfortable, and how to talk about those differences.
Who is a Good Fit for this Service?
I work with every form of infidelity: physical or emotional affairs, a secret online relationship or sexting, hidden pornography use or visits to strip clubs, secretly paying for sex, or a broken agreement in an open or non-monogamous relationship.
Therapy with me is for couples where both people want to repair the relationship.
If there is ongoing domestic violence in your relationship, couples therapy is not an appropriate service. Individual therapy is a safer starting place.
Infidelity therapist & certified Gottman method couples therapist
I’m Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW
I’ve been a licensed therapist since 1988, and affair recovery has been a central part of my couples practice for more than two decades.
An affair is a crisis, and most couples who come to me have already spent months trying to resolve it on their own, leaving them feeling even more disconnected.
Infidelity creates a specific communication breakdown that good intentions can’t fix. The betrayed partner often needs to talk to process what happened; the unfaithful partner can shut down out of guilt, shame, or defensiveness.
Attempts to resolve the damage caused by the affair without outside intervention reinforce that breakdown rather than interrupt it. I provide a research-supported structure of repairing your relationship after infidelity.
If the description on this page sounds like your relationship, I’d like to help.
Logistics
Pricing, scheduling, and online Couples Therapy sessions
All sessions are conducted by secure, HIPAA-compliant video. I work with couples across Brooklyn and all of New York.
Sessions are private pay, billed at $500 per hour and $750 for 90-minute sessions. Extended sessions (3+ hours) are available for couples who want to make faster progress.
I am not in-network with insurance and cannot bill them directly. For more information about pricing, please see the pricing page.
How to get started in couples therapy
To schedule your first appointment, please choose a day and time on my secure, HIPAA-compliant calendar by clicking the button below.
After I approve your request, typically within one business day, you and your partner will receive new client forms via email, which you’ll both review and digitally sign before we meet.
Areas Served in Brooklyn
I’m licensed in New York as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW #086198), and I work with Brooklyn couples by secure, HIPAA-compliant video.
This includes couples in Park Slope, Brooklyn Heights, Cobble Hill, Carroll Gardens, Boerum Hill, Fort Greene, Clinton Hill, Prospect Heights, Williamsburg, Greenpoint, DUMBO, Brooklyn Navy Yard, Bedford-Stuyvesant, Crown Heights, Prospect Lefferts Gardens, Windsor Terrace, Bay Ridge, Sunset Park, Bushwick, and surrounding Brooklyn neighborhoods.
I also provide online couples therapy after infidelity throughout New York City, including Manhattan, Queens, the Bronx, and Staten Island.
Whether you live in the same home or need to attend from separate locations, you can participate in couples therapy online as long as you’re both physically located in New York State during your sessions.
Common Questions about couples therapy after infidelity in Brooklyn —
-
After an affair, compliments and reassurance may no longer feel believable. You might wonder whether your partner is genuinely attracted to you or just saying what they think you need to hear.
In therapy, I’ll help you talk about those fears directly, including the comparisons you’ve been making to the affair partner. I’ll also help your partner understand why simply telling you that you’re attractive may not be enough right now.
We’ll work on how your partner can respond to your concerns with honesty, patience, and consistent affection, without either of you feeling pressured to prove anything through sex.
-
It’s common for the partner who had an affair to feel ashamed of what they did. Sometimes that shame makes it difficult to hear their partner’s hurt without crying, becoming defensive, or withdrawing from the conversation.
I’ll help the unfaithful partner recognize when those reactions are interfering with their ability to listen. We’ll work on how to take responsibility, answer questions, and acknowledge the damage caused by the affair without expecting the betrayed partner to provide comfort.
The goal isn’t to eliminate guilt or shame. It’s to help the unfaithful partner respond to their partner’s pain even when those feelings are present.
-
You may both want to resume sexual intimacy but feel anxious about what could happen. The betrayed partner may worry about being compared to the affair partner, while the unfaithful partner may fear that any awkward moment or difficulty with arousal will be misunderstood.
As an AASECT-certified sex therapist, I help you discuss those concerns before you resume sexual intimacy. We’ll talk about what each of you needs to feel comfortable, how to communicate during physical affection, and how to respond if one of you wants to slow down or stop.
You won’t be expected to resume sex before you’re both ready. We can work on rebuilding comfortable physical affection without making intercourse the immediate goal.
Still Have Questions about Couples Therapy for Infidelity?
Contact me using the button below. I’ll respond within 2 business days.