Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist · AASECT Certified Sex Therapist · Practicing Therapy Since 1988
Couples Therapy After Infidelity in Bellevue, Washington
Online couples therapy for Washington couples after infidelity, betrayal, and affairs in in Bellevue, Kirkland, Redmond, and the Eastside
If you’re the partner who was betrayed…
You found out your partner was having an affair, and you’re still struggling to understand how they could have chosen to be with someone else while you believed you were committed to each other.
You’re furious about the lying and the secrecy. But you’re also devastated that your partner wanted someone else badly enough to risk losing you.
You wonder what the other person had that you didn’t. Were they more attractive? More interesting? Easier to talk to? Did your partner enjoy being with them more than they enjoyed being with you?
You may know intellectually that your partner’s decision to have an affair doesn’t mean you’re inadequate. But that doesn’t stop you from comparing yourself to someone you never wanted to compete with.
And now your partner is telling you they love you. They want to stay together. They say choosing to repair your relationship proves how much you mean to them.
But you can’t stop thinking about the fact that they chose someone else when they had you.
Sometimes you want to be close to your partner because you miss them so much. Other times, you can barely stand to look at them. You may find yourself pulling away when they try to comfort you, then feeling hurt when they give you space.
You’re scared of allowing yourself to believe you’re important to them again. You thought you were important before the affair, too.
You want to feel genuinely wanted and valued by your partner, without constantly wondering how you compare to the person they had an affair with.
First, you need to understand what their decision meant, why they made it, and how you could begin believing that they’re committed to you now.
If you’re the unfaithful partner…
You’ve told your partner that you love them and want to repair the relationship. You may have ended the affair, cut off contact with the other person, and made it clear that you want to stay together.
But your partner keeps asking why you chose someone else.
Sometimes they want to know whether you found the other person more attractive, whether you enjoyed sex with them more, or whether you had feelings for them that you don’t have for your partner.
You know these questions come from the hurt you’ve caused. But they can be excruciating to answer, especially when you’re afraid that anything you say could make your partner feel even more rejected.
You may feel intense shame about having wanted someone else while still loving your partner. You might be struggling to make sense of your own decisions, particularly if the affair was emotionally complicated or involved feelings you’re embarrassed to admit.
And you’re terrified that your partner will leave.
You watch their face when you tell them you love them, looking for some sign that they still believe you. When they pull away or tell you they don’t know whether they can ever forgive you, you feel sick with fear.
You want to remind them of everything you’ve shared, the ways you’ve loved them, and everything you’ve done for them. But you know they believed you loved them before the affair, too.
Sometimes you become frustrated when your partner questions whether they matter to you. You know you chose to stay and repair the relationship, but you’re beginning to understand that your decision to stay doesn’t erase the experience of having chosen someone else.
You want your partner to believe that you love them and genuinely want to be with them.
You need help understanding the choices you made, taking responsibility for the hurt they caused, and showing your partner through your behavior that they matter to you.
Hope After Infidelity
When you discover infidelity, you have questions you desperately need answered, and intense feelings that are difficult to put into words. You may spend hours talking about what happened, only to find yourselves going in circles, repeating the same questions and arguments, and feeling even further apart.
The problem is that both of you are trying to navigate something extraordinarily painful while you’re emotionally overwhelmed.
The betrayed partner needs answers and acknowledgment of the hurt they’ve experienced. The unfaithful partner may be frightened of losing the relationship, ashamed of what they’ve done, and unsure how to respond when their partner expresses anger or asks questions about the other person.
Without guidance, these conversations can become arguments about whether an answer was truthful, whether a question was fair, or whether the unfaithful partner is showing enough remorse. The betrayed partner can leave feeling even more rejected, while the unfaithful partner becomes increasingly afraid of saying the wrong thing.
As a Gottman-certified couples therapist who specializes in infidelity, I know how to guide these conversations when emotions are running high.
You don’t have to figure out how to repair the damage on your own while you’re both struggling to manage the emotions surrounding the affair. I’ll provide the structure and guidance to help you begin addressing the betrayal without causing each other more hurt along the way.
How affair recovery works
How I help Bellevue couples repair their relationship after infidelity, betrayal, and affairs
When you come to couples therapy because of an affair, we won’t spend months discussing older relationship problems before addressing the betrayal. After our initial three-session assessment, we’ll begin working directly on the affair, the questions that still need answers, and the hurt it’s caused.
There’s a clinical reason for starting here, too. Even when you’re trying to talk about problems that existed before the affair, the betrayal can affect how you hear and respond to each other. We need to address what happened before we can work effectively on those older problems.
I’ll guide you through the recovery process in this order:
A three-session assessment
Repairing the betrayal and hurt caused by the affair
Repairing older hurts and vulnerabilities in the relationship
Finally, repairing your sexual relationship, once trust has had enough time to rebuild
Read more about the full process I take couples through after infidelity here →
How couples therapy can Change Your Relationship after infidelity
1. You can begin feeling wanted and valued by your partner again.
In couples therapy, I’ll help the betrayed partner explain how the affair has affected their sense of being important and desirable to their partner. We’ll explore the questions and comparisons that are particularly painful, including what your partner’s involvement with someone else has led you to believe about yourself.
I’ll guide the unfaithful partner in responding to those feelings without dismissing them or relying on repeated declarations of love. We’ll discuss what makes the betrayed partner feel valued and how the unfaithful partner can show consideration, affection, and commitment in ways their partner can recognize.
You can begin feeling that your partner genuinely wants to be with you, rather than wondering whether you’re someone they settled for after the affair ended. Your confidence can grow as your partner’s behavior consistently reflects the commitment they’re expressing.
2. You can get honest answers about the infidelity without every conversation becoming an argument about blame.
In couples therapy, we’ll identify the questions the betrayed partner needs answered, including questions about the other person, the nature of the affair, and decisions the unfaithful partner made.
I’ll show you how to distinguish between questions that need factual answers and questions that express hurt or disbelief, such as “Why wasn’t I enough for you?” The unfaithful partner will learn to acknowledge the pain behind those questions without treating their partner’s feelings as something to argue against.
Some answers will be incredibly painful to hear. When that happens, I’ll guide the betrayed partner in expressing the anger, grief, or humiliation those answers bring up. I’ll also teach the unfaithful partner how to listen, acknowledge the hurt they caused, and resist the urge to defend their decisions or turn the discussion into an argument about who’s to blame.
You can get the answers you need while learning how to have these difficult conversations without attacking each other, becoming defensive, or leaving important questions unresolved.
3. If you’re the unfaithful partner, your hurt and dissatisfaction can be heard and taken seriously, too.
You may feel tremendous shame about your decision to have an affair while also feeling angry about how your partner treated you. And you may worry that whenever you describe something hurtful they did, the conversation will return to your infidelity, and your complaints will never receive serious attention.
In therapy, I’ll help you express how your partner’s behavior hurt you, including things you may have struggled to communicate before the affair. I’ll help you explain what happened and how it affected you without suggesting that your partner was responsible for your decision to be unfaithful.
This makes it easier for your partner to hear what you’re saying without feeling blamed for the affair. They can begin to understand the impact of their behavior, take responsibility where they’ve hurt you, and offer meaningful apologies, even when you remember parts of your relationship differently.
You can receive genuine understanding and apologies for the pain you experienced, even though you were the partner who had the affair. You’ll also learn to express dissatisfaction and painful feelings directly, rather than withdrawing, avoiding difficult conversations, or keeping your unhappiness a secret.
4. You can rebuild a sexual relationship where both partners feel desired.
After we’ve addressed the betrayal and begun working through unresolved hurts, we’ll give your sexual relationship more focused attention.
As an AASECT-certified sex therapist, I’ll help you talk about how the infidelity has changed your experience of sexual intimacy. You may want sex with your partner while also feeling uncomfortable about how your bodies compare to the affair partner’s, whether your partner thinks about the other person during sex, or whether their desire for you is genuine.
We’ll address those concerns alongside sexual difficulties that may have existed before the affair. You’ll learn how to discuss desire differences, pleasure, sexual preferences, and uncomfortable feelings without blaming each other or creating pressure to have sex before either of you feels ready.
You can rebuild sexual intimacy that feels enjoyable, wanted, and emotionally comfortable for both of you. Whether you’ve continued having sex during recovery or stopped for a while, you can learn to express your desires and respond to each other with greater understanding.
Who is a Good Fit for this Service?
I work with every form of infidelity: physical or emotional affairs, a secret online relationship or sexting, hidden pornography use or visits to strip clubs, secretly paying for sex, or a broken agreement in an open or non-monogamous relationship.
Therapy with me is for couples where both people want to repair the relationship.
If there is ongoing domestic violence in your relationship, couples therapy is not an appropriate service. Couples therapy asks both of you to speak honestly in session, and when one partner is being hurt or controlled at home, that honesty can create danger after the session ends. Individual therapy is a safer starting place.
Infidelity therapist & certified Gottman method couples therapist
I’m Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW
I’ve been a licensed therapist since 1988, and affair recovery has been a central part of my couples practice for more than two decades.
An affair is a crisis, and most couples who come to me have already spent months trying to resolve it on their own, leaving them feeling even more disconnected.
Infidelity creates a specific communication breakdown that good intentions alone often can’t fix. The betrayed partner may need to talk about what happened to process the betrayal, while the unfaithful partner may shut down out of guilt, shame, or defensiveness.
When couples try to resolve the damage caused by the affair without outside help, those conversations can reinforce the same difficulties rather than resolve them. I provide a research-supported, structured approach to helping couples repair their relationship after infidelity.
If the description on this page sounded like your relationship, I’d like to help.
Logistics
Pricing, scheduling, and online couples therapy sessions
All sessions are conducted by secure, HIPAA-compliant video. I work with couples in Bellevue and the Eastside.
Sessions are private pay, billed at $500 per hour and $750 for 90-minute sessions. Extended sessions (3+ hours) are available for couples who want to make faster progress. I am not in-network with insurance and cannot bill them directly. For more information about pricing, please see the pricing page.
How to get started in couples therapy
To schedule your first appointment, please choose a day and time on my secure, HIPAA-compliant calendar using the button directly below.
After I approve your request, typically within one business day, you and your partner will receive new client forms via email, which you’ll both review and digitally sign before we meet.
Areas Served in Bellevue and the Eastside
I’m licensed in Washington as a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker (LICSW #SWI.LW.60698797). I provide couples therapy after infidelity through secure, HIPAA-compliant video throughout Bellevue, the Eastside, and the surrounding Seattle metropolitan area.
I work with couples throughout Bellevue, including Downtown Bellevue, West Bellevue, East Bellevue, West Lake Sammamish, Factoria, Crossroads, Newport Hills, Somerset, Bridle Trails, Lake Hills, Wilburton, Woodridge, and Eastgate.
I also serve couples in:
The Eastside: Kirkland, Redmond, Mercer Island, Issaquah, Sammamish, Newcastle, and Clyde Hill.
North and northeast of Bellevue: Bothell, Kenmore, Woodinville, and Juanita.
South of Bellevue: Renton, Fairwood, and Maple Valley.
The greater Seattle area: Seattle, Shoreline, and nearby King County communities.
All sessions are online, so you can attend from home or another private location.
Common Questions about couples therapy after infidelity in Bellevue —
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That’s a painful experience for many people after infidelity. You may find yourself wondering what the other person had that you didn’t, or whether your partner was more attracted to them.
In therapy, I’ll help you explain those feelings to your partner and identify the questions you need answered. I’ll guide your partner in responding honestly while acknowledging the hurt their choices caused, rather than dismissing your feelings or offering comparisons that leave you feeling worse.
We’ll also look at what your partner can do to demonstrate affection, consideration, and commitment as you begin rebuilding trust.
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No. I provide couples therapy exclusively through secure, HIPAA-compliant video. I work with couples throughout Bellevue, the Eastside, and Washington State.
You can join together from a private location or attend from separate locations, provided both of you are physically in states where I’m authorized to provide therapy.
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No. You don’t necessarily both need to be in Washington, and you can attend from separate locations.
However, each of you must be physically located in a state where I’m authorized to provide therapy at the time of your appointment. I’m licensed or authorized to provide telehealth in Washington, Oregon, New York, Massachusetts, and Florida. All appointments take place online.
Still Have Questions about Couples Therapy for Infidelity?
Contact me using the button below. I’ll respond within 2 business days.