Couples Therapy for Mismatched Sexual Desire & Desire Discrepancy ● AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist ● Practicing Therapy Since 1988
Sex Therapy for Bellevue Couples with Sexual Desire Discrepancy
Online sex therapy for Washington couples in Bellevue and across the Eastside
You and your partner make a good team. You keep the household running, you cook dinner together on weeknights, and you still make each other laugh. But one of you wants sex more often than the other does, and over the years, the difference in sexual desire has left each of you resenting the other for a different reason.
If you’re the partner who wants more sex, you asked for sex for years and heard no more often than yes. Eventually, you stopped asking, hoping that with some space, your partner would start to want sex and make the first move. But months have gone by without sex. You resent always being the one who had to ask, and the longer you wait, the more you wonder whether your partner still wants you.
If you’re the partner who wants less sex, you felt relieved when your partner stopped asking. The relief faded, though, because you can still tell your partner is waiting for you to initiate sex. You resent being treated as the reason the two of you don’t have sex, and you resent feeling pressured even on nights when your partner doesn’t say a word about sex.
You still enjoy each other’s company. On a Sunday afternoon, the two of you walk the paths at Bellevue Botanical Garden and talk easily the whole time.
At home that night, one of you goes to bed early, and the other partner sighs loudly enough to be heard. By morning, the two of you are snapping at each other about who forgot to run the dishwasher. The frustration behind the argument comes from years of wanting sex at different rates, and both of you feel the frustration.
Desire discrepancy is the clinical name for an ongoing difference in how much sex two partners want.
Resentment about sex doesn’t have to define your relationship. With sex therapy, you can understand what’s contributing to your differences in desire, address the hurt that has developed between you, and find ways to enjoy sexual intimacy that feel satisfying to both partners.
Learn more about how I treat desire discrepancy in sex therapy →
Mismatched sexual desire: Sex therapy for Bellevue couples
Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW | AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist & Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist
I help Bellevue and Eastside couples work through resentment and start enjoying sex together again.
Resentment about sex affects how you have sex and how you get along as a couple, and my training covers sex and relationships alike.
As a sex therapist certified by AASECT, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists, I treat problems with desire, arousal, and sex itself. As a certified Gottman Method couples therapist, I use an approach built on research with couples to help partners repair hurt and argue without wounding each other. I also train other therapists, as an AASECT Approved Supervisor and a Gottman Method trainer, and I use sex therapy and the Gottman Method in sex therapy sessions.
What to expect from me as your sex therapist:
We talk about sex directly, in plain words, and sex stays at the center of our sessions.
I’ll assess what’s contributing to your differences in sexual desire before recommending treatment. Depending on what we discover, I’ll address concerns involving sexual pleasure, arousal, physical health, or your relationship, including using structured touch exercises when appropriate. We’ll choose an approach that respects both partners’ comfort and sexual interests.
I take both of your experiences seriously, whether you’re the partner who wants more sex or the partner who wants less. The partner who wants more sex won’t be told that wanting sex is the problem, and the partner who wants less sex won’t be asked to say yes when they don’t want to. Together, we work toward sex you both look forward to.
We meet by secure video, and you’ll both need to be in Washington during each session. You can join from the same room or from two different places.
How your relationship changes after sex therapy with me
Without help, the resentment between you can grow. The longer each of you waits for the other to change first, the more tense a conversation about sex can feel.
In our first sessions, I ask each of you what has built your resentment and what you haven’t said to avoid conflict.
While one of you talks, I help the other listen without defending themselves, so each of you hears your partner’s side in full.
Many couples learn that both partners have been waiting: one partner for a sign of being wanted, and the other partner for the pressure to stop.
From my Gottman Method training, I also teach you repair attempts, which are statements or actions that keep negativity from escalating. When an irritated reply about the dishwasher slips out, one of you can make a joke or put a hand on the other’s arm, and the two of you can talk through the moment before the argument grows.
I’ll also assess the sexual concerns that may be contributing to your differences in desire. These can include difficulties with arousal or pleasure, physical discomfort, medication effects, and changes in your relationship that influence sexual interest.
I’ll use what we discover to select treatment appropriate for your relationship. If physical affection has become difficult, structured touch exercises may help. If sexual dissatisfaction, health-related concerns, or unresolved relationship difficulties are contributing, we’ll address those directly rather than assuming that bringing back touch will resolve the problem.
Between sessions, you’ll practice the changes we’ve agreed on together. I’ll review how those changes are working for both partners and adjust treatment when necessary.
If you’re the partner who wants more sex, you can express sexual interest without feeling that you’re the only person responsible for your sexual relationship. You understand more about what affects your partner’s desire, and you can enjoy intimacy that feels genuinely wanted and satisfying to both of you.
When your partner isn’t interested in sex, you can understand their experience without treating the difference as a judgment about your attractiveness or importance to them.
If you’re the partner who wants less sex, you stop feeling like the problem in your relationship.
You learn what helps you want sex, such as time to unwind after work or a long kiss that doesn’t have to lead anywhere. You can say yes when you want sex and no when you don’t. A yes means you’re looking forward to sex, and after a no, your partner still sits close to you on the couch for the rest of the evening.
Over time, the irritated replies become rare. When one of you goes to bed early, the other partner says good night with a kiss instead of a sigh.
On some Sunday evenings, after a walk and dinner at home, the two of you go to bed early together and have sex you both enjoy.
Who is a good fit for sex therapy for Couples with desire discrepancy?
Sex therapy for desire discrepancy works best when both partners attend sessions and both want a more satisfying sex life together.
You don’t have to agree on what caused the desire gap or feel equally motivated to close it. You only need to be willing to try.
I also work with couples where one or both partners are autistic and/or have ADHD, and LGBTQIA+ and polyamorous or open-relationship couples and individuals, since standard sex therapy frameworks were built on neurotypical, heterosexual, monogamous, cisgendered assumptions that don’t fit every relationship.
If there’s ongoing domestic violence in your relationship, sex therapy isn’t the right starting place; individual therapy is safer.
A certified sex therapist and couples therapist with more than 15 years treating differences in sexual desire
I’m Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW
I’ve been a therapist since 1988, and for more than 15 years, I’ve helped couples whose differences in sexual desire have become a source of frustration, hurt, or uncertainty about their relationship.
As both an AASECT-certified sex therapist and a Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist, I bring two areas of specialized training to your treatment. I can assess how sexual desire, arousal, physical health, sexual satisfaction, and relationship difficulties influence one another, including concerns that aren’t immediately obvious to either partner.
Couples can spend years trying to improve their sexual relationship without understanding why their desires differ. I’ll help you identify what’s contributing to the problem and address those issues so you can build a sexual relationship that feels satisfying to both of you.
If the description on this page sounded like your relationship, I’d like to help.
Logistics
Pricing, scheduling, and online sex therapy sessions
All sessions are conducted by secure, HIPAA-compliant video. I work with couples in Bellevue, the Eastside, and all of Washington.
Sessions are private pay, billed at $500 per hour and $750 for 90-minute sessions. Extended sessions (3+ hours) are available for couples who want to make faster progress.
I am not in-network with insurance and cannot bill them directly. For more information about pricing, please see the pricing page.
How to get started in sex therapy
To schedule your first appointment, please choose a day and time on my secure, HIPAA-compliant calendar using the button below.
After I approve your request, typically within one business day, you and your partner will receive new client forms via email, which you’ll both review and digitally sign before we meet.
Areas served in Bellevue and the Eastside
I’m licensed in Washington as a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker (LICSW #SWI.LW.60698797), and I work with couples by secure, HIPAA-compliant video across Bellevue and the Eastside.
Couples join sessions from every Bellevue neighborhood, including Downtown, West Bellevue, Northwest Bellevue, Northeast Bellevue, Bridle Trails, Crossroads, Lake Hills, Wilburton, BelRed, Woodridge, Somerset, Newport, Eastgate, Factoria, Cougar Mountain/Lakemont, and West Lake Sammamish.
Across the Eastside, I also see couples in Kirkland, Redmond, Sammamish, Issaquah, Mercer Island, Medina, Clyde Hill, Newcastle, Bothell, and Woodinville, and farther east in Snoqualmie, North Bend, and Duvall.
If you’re anywhere in Bellevue or on the Eastside, I can work with you.
Questions about sex therapy for Bellevue couples with desire discrepancy —
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Yes. Coming to sex therapy together gives each of you a chance to be heard and understood. In our sessions, you each get time to say what has built the resentment while your partner listens. Then we work on touch and sex at a pace you both agree on.
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Yes, for both of you. If you’re the partner who wants less sex, I won’t pressure you into sex you don’t want. We look at what has made sex hard to want and work toward sex you look forward to, at a pace that feels okay to you.
If you’re the partner who wants more sex, your wish for more sex is normal, and I take your experience as seriously as your partner’s. We work on how to ask for sex without pressure and how to hear no without feeling rejected.
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Yes. In many couples who come to see me, the partner who wants more sex has stopped asking, hoping the other partner will make the first move instead. While each of you waits for the other, the distance between you can grow. In our sessions, we build a plan the two of you agree on, with a clear way to start touch and sex again, so neither of you has to wait for the other to go first.
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Yes. One of you can join from an office and the other from home, and you’ll both sign on to the same secure video link. Each of you will need a private room and a reliable internet connection.
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No. I’m not in-network with any insurance company, and I don’t provide superbills for couples sessions.
You are welcome to use your FSA/HSA card for our sex therapy sessions.
Still have Questions about sex therapy for desire discrepancy?
Please contact me using the button below. I will respond within 2 business days.