Couples Therapy for Mismatched Sexual Desire & Desire Discrepancy ● AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist ● Practicing Therapy Since 1988
Sex Therapy for Seattle Couples with Sexual Desire Discrepancy
Online sex therapy for Washington couples in Seattle, King County, Snohomish County, and Kitsap County
Mismatched sexual desire: Sex therapy for queer couples in Seattle
You and your partner have been together for years. Over time, one of you has come to want sex more often than the other does.
You might be two men, two women, or a couple where one or both of you are trans or nonbinary. Early in your relationship, both of you loved how often a hug on the couch turned into sex. But as the difference in sexual desire grew, physical affection started to feel like a question about sex, and now the two of you rarely kiss or cuddle on the couch.
If you’re the partner who wants more sex, you no longer hug your partner from behind at the stove or rest a hand on their knee during a movie, because you don’t want to hear “All you think about is sex.” You miss sex, and you also miss being held. Some nights, you wonder whether you’ll go without sex for the rest of your life.
If you’re the partner who wants less sex, you find reasons to stay busy in another room in the evening, and you go to bed before or after your partner does. You’d like to cuddle, but you worry that it will end with you saying no to sex. You can tell that your partner feels hurt. And you feel lonely, too.
You still enjoy each other’s company. On a clear Saturday, the two of you hold hands on the ferry to Bainbridge Island, but at home that evening, a long kiss in bed feels off-limits to both of you.
When friends joke that sex always fades in long-term relationships, you both laugh along. But both of you silently wonder if sex between the two of you can come back.
Desire discrepancy is the clinical name for an ongoing difference in how much sex two partners want. When sex has stopped or become rare, many people call this situation a “dead bedroom.”
Differences in sexual desire are common in long-term relationships, but you don’t have to settle for a sexual relationship that leaves either of you unhappy. With sex therapy, you can better understand what’s contributing to your difficulties and find ways to enjoy physical affection and sexual intimacy that feel satisfying to both of you.
Learn more about how I treat desire discrepancy in sex therapy →
Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW | AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist & Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist
I help Seattle couples bring back physical affection and sex that both partners enjoy.
As an AASECT-certified sex therapist, I help with desire, arousal, and physical touch between the two of you. As a certified Gottman Method couples therapist, I help with the hurt, distance, and arguments that grow around a difference in sexual desire. I also train other therapists in both fields, as an AASECT Approved Supervisor and a Gottman Method trainer. In our sessions, I combine the two approaches, so we can bring back physical closeness and repair your relationship at the same time.
I see the two of you together so I can understand both partners’ experiences of sexual desire and physical affection. I’ll assess what’s contributing to your differences in desire, including concerns involving arousal, sexual satisfaction, physical health, and your relationship.
I’ll also help you understand how pulling away from affection has affected each of you. When touch has become associated with expectations for sex, we can address that difficulty alongside the other concerns we identify. I work with couples of every gender and sexual orientation.
What to expect from me as your sex therapist:
We talk about sex directly, in plain words, and sex stays at the center of our sessions.
I’ll use what I learn during our assessment to recommend treatment that fits your relationship. Depending on what we discover, that may include addressing difficulties with arousal or sexual pleasure, relationship concerns, or using structured touch exercises when appropriate. Both partners’ comfort and sexual interests will guide our approach.
I take both of your experiences seriously, whether you’re the partner who wants more sex or the partner who wants less. The partner who wants more sex won’t be told that wanting sex is the problem, and the partner who wants less sex won’t be asked to say yes when they don’t want to. Together, we work toward sex you both look forward to.
We meet by secure video, and you’ll both need to be in Washington during each session.
How your relationship changes after sex therapy with me
Without help, the distance between you can grow. The longer the two of you go without touching, the more awkward a hug can feel.
In our first sessions, I ask each of you when touch started to feel like a question about sex, and which kinds of affection you stopped.
Many couples discover that both partners stopped hugging to avoid the same moment: a request for sex, followed by a no.
While one of you talks, I help the other listen without getting defensive, so each of you hears what the past years have been like for your partner.
Once I understand what’s contributing to your difficulties, I’ll recommend interventions suited to your relationship. If physical affection has become uncomfortable or stressful, we may use structured touch exercises to help you enjoy closeness on terms you both agree to.
I’ll also address any concerns involving sexual satisfaction, arousal, physical comfort, or your relationship that need treatment. We’ll review what’s helping and adjust our approach based on both partners’ experiences.
You leave each session with one specific step to try at home, and at the next session, we talk about how the step went and choose what comes next together.
If you’re the partner who wants more sex, you gain a clearer understanding of how your partner experiences attraction and desire. You can enjoy affection and sexual intimacy that feels genuinely wanted by both of you, with more confidence in the connection you share.
If you’re the partner who wants less sex, you can enjoy cuddling, kissing, and other kinds of affection without feeling that each moment needs to lead to sex.
You can also explore what makes sexual intimacy pleasurable for you and participate in experiences you genuinely want, while feeling comfortable expressing when you’re not interested.
Over time, touch comes back into ordinary days. One of you hugs the other from behind at the stove. Some nights, a kiss good night turns into sex you both enjoy.
Other nights, you cuddle and talk in the dark until one of you falls asleep, and neither of you feels let down.
Who is a good fit for sex therapy for Couples with desire discrepancy?
Sex therapy for desire discrepancy works best when both partners attend sessions and both want a more satisfying sex life together.
You don’t have to agree on what caused the desire gap or feel equally motivated to close it. You only need to be willing to try.
I also work with couples where one or both partners are autistic and/or have ADHD, and LGBTQIA+ and polyamorous or open-relationship couples and individuals, since standard sex therapy frameworks were built on neurotypical, heterosexual, monogamous, cisgendered assumptions that don’t fit every relationship.
If there’s ongoing domestic violence in your relationship, sex therapy isn’t the right starting place; individual therapy is safer.
A certified sex therapist and couples therapist with more than 15 years treating differences in sexual desire
I’m Kate McNulty, LCSW, LICSW
I’ve been a therapist since 1988, and for more than 15 years, I’ve helped couples whose differences in sexual desire have become a source of frustration, hurt, or uncertainty about their relationship.
As both an AASECT-certified sex therapist and a Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist, I bring two areas of specialized training to your treatment. I can assess how sexual desire, arousal, physical health, sexual satisfaction, and relationship difficulties influence one another, including concerns that aren’t immediately obvious to either partner.
Couples can spend years trying to improve their sexual relationship without understanding why their desires differ. I’ll help you identify what’s contributing to the problem and address those issues so you can build a sexual relationship that feels satisfying to both of you.
If the description on this page sounded like your relationship, I’d like to help.
Logistics
Pricing, scheduling, and online sex therapy sessions
All sessions are conducted by secure, HIPAA-compliant video. I work with couples in the Seattle area and in all of Washington.
Sessions are private pay, billed at $500 per hour and $750 for 90-minute sessions. Extended sessions (3+ hours) are available for couples who want to make faster progress.
I am not in-network with insurance and cannot bill them directly. For more information about pricing, please see the pricing page.
How to get started in sex therapy
To schedule your first appointment, please choose a day and time on my secure, HIPAA-compliant calendar using the button below.
After I approve your request, typically within one business day, you and your partner will receive new client forms via email, which you’ll both review and digitally sign before we meet.
Areas served in Seattle, King County, and nearby cities
I’m licensed in Washington as a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker (LICSW #SWI.LW.60698797). I work with couples by secure, HIPAA-compliant video across Seattle, King County, Snohomish County, Kitsap County, and the surrounding area.
I work with couples in every Seattle neighborhood, including Capitol Hill, Queen Anne, Magnolia, Ballard, Fremont, Wallingford, Green Lake, Ravenna, Laurelhurst, Madison Park, Montlake, Madrona, Beacon Hill, Columbia City, and West Seattle.
In King County, I also work with couples in Shoreline, Lake Forest Park, Kenmore, and Renton. North of Seattle, I work with couples in Edmonds, Mukilteo, and Mill Creek in Snohomish County, and across Puget Sound, I work with couples on Bainbridge Island and in Poulsbo in Kitsap County.
If you’re anywhere in the Seattle metro area, I can work with you.
Questions about sex therapy for Seattle couples with desire discrepancy —
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Yes. I work with gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, nonbinary, and queer couples, including couples who’ve been together for decades. We talk about the kinds of touch and sex the two of you want, in your own words.
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Yes. Many couples who come to see me pulled back from affection once a hug or a kiss started to feel like a request for sex. In our sessions, we bring physical closeness back first, one step at a time, and then add sex.
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Yes, for both of you.
If you’re the partner who wants less sex, I won’t push you to have more sex. We start by finding out what has made sex hard to want, and then we work toward sex you want to have, at a pace that feels okay to you.
If you’re the partner who wants more sex, wanting sex with your partner is normal, and I take your experience as seriously as your partner’s.
We work on how to offer affection without pressure, how to ask for sex, and how to hear no without feeling rejected.
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Yes, you’ll both sign on to the same secure video link. Each of you will need a private room and a good internet connection.
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No. I’m not in-network with any insurance company, and I don’t provide Superbills for couples sessions. You are welcome to use your HSA or FSA card for our sessions.
Still have Questions about sex therapy for desire discrepancy?
Please contact me using the button below. I will respond within 2 business days.